D ear Christy,

I have always had performance issues with girlfriends. I can barely get it up and when I do, it lasts under a minute. I'm a super cool dude, but I think this is why the ladies always leave me. I'm scared to go to the doctor because I'm only 23 and this shouldn't be happening.

--Anonymous

Mr. X:

Aw, homeboy.

Go to the doctor!

Even though I tell three out of four whiskey bottles that I'm a doctor, I'm not. (Shhh. They get pissy when I lie.)

Seriously, though, go to the doctor.

Let's go over the basics: We've got penis plumpers, impotence injections and rocket releasers (hey, there's a new one). We also know our whimsical world is saturated with social discourse, self-anxiety, high expectations and insecurity.

Unless you aren't really into broads -- or if you're running wild on eternal whiskey dick -- then I can't really be of assistance.

You need a doctor. Maybe the doc will say, "An ExtenZe a day will keep my spectacles away (from your testicles)."

Sexy.

Also, if you don't fancy the femmes, that is also quite alright. Gay men don't bite.

Well.

Good talk.

Dear Christy,

I'm in a three-year relationship but I'm crushing hard on some guy at work. Nothing has happened, and I don't think he would do anything because he knows I have boyfriend. I'm so worried my temptations are going to take over and I'm going to screw up my relationship forever, which I don't want to do. What do I do?


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--Never a cheater

Wandering woman:

A shrink once told me that the way humans are wired, we are only predestined to remain in a relationship for seven years. At that point, our ever-changing sexy bodies are ready to evolve onto the next chapter.

This may be true.

However, I'd like to think that we've advanced from romping around the cave, banging our neighbor's husband on animal hides while the woolly mammoths and dinosaurs watch. (Those two coexisted, right? Whatever.)

Long-lasting relationships are hard. (Sure, that's what she said. You would.)

Just like your car, they need some lube (you would, again.). You need to figure out in your little heart's wandering eye whether you want to stick with your man forever. If the answer is yes, then back off of your work pal. Your -- be it flirting? -- must halt.

You may just be at one of those stagnant periods in your relationship and this work pal may be bathing you in some qualities that are lacking in your own relationship right now.

These are things you need to look at and talk over with your man. Three years is a good amount of time, so you need to spice things up before you spiral into the stale, monotonous, sexless stuff. Talk to your man about it, because I can guarantee you he has no idea.

Now, of course, if you are over your man, don't be a dick -- break up with him before you cheat.