My girlfriend wants me to move to Colorado from Boston, but Colorado is a stoner-hippie cow town. She makes more than me, so she won't move to Boston. Sell me on your state. Why should I move to Colorado?
— New England Rules
Hold please, I need to put my leg hair out.
Man, I was so baked, I didn't realize I set my blunt on my thigh, setting my hairs en fuego.
Mmm. Burnt hair.
Tangent: I changed your signature from "Rulz" to "Rules" because you're an inflamed hemorrhoid who spells stupid.
You'll hate it here. We are a cow town filled with stoned everybody. Even babies get high. I once watched this 18-month-old light a spliff and puff, puff, pass it around the playground. Then we all mmmboped and hopped on the carousel, singing Hanson's greatest hits.
Colorado is weird.
Usually pilots are diverted from DIA to Aspen because the visibility in Denver (5,280 feet) is only about 3 yards due to smoke pollution. Most planes land in the high country, as smoke chokes itself at 7,900 feet (unsubstantiated). Then visitors are shipped to the Front Range via American Furniture Warehouse trucks.
But if you do decide to move a Mile High, here are some insider tips:
• Cash and cards aren't generally accepted. Most transactions are made in marijuana. (For instance, a large pizza runs about a gram. A weekend Uber costs nearly an eighth. Gas is traded for paraphernalia.)
• Colorado ATMs don't dispense cash but packets of keef. If you need cash, you'll have to smuggle it over the Wyoming border inside an orifice.
• Priests anoint sinners with tincture drops of cannabis oil.
• You can usually snag a McDonald's cheeseburger for a lighter, but it must be a Bic.
• Church incense is a dry bud torched prior to mass.
• Most doctors use second-hand smoke to kill infections. (For instance, instead of probing the small intestine with an endoscope, gastroenterologists zap polyps by hitting a lubed bong inserted into your rectum.)
• Always pay parking fines and speeding tickets with pre-rolled joints.
• Tuesdays on the slopes are reserved for Nuns Who Hotbox Gondolas.
• Friday afternoons in Colorado are spent clambaking work break rooms, kumbaya-ing and spooning siestas.
• Blowing a hit in a passerby's face is complimentary, while shotgunning the hit is flattery to the exhaler.
• It's a $300 fine if you are pulled over with less than an ounce in your car.
So yeah. It's super weird here. You should probably stay in Boston.
Plus, that racist shit that echoes through Fenway won't fly here at Coors Field.
To quote the unrivaled prose master we dub Snoop, "This weed is mine / This weed is mine / You can't have it / This weed is mine / This weed is mine / You can't have it / This weed is mine."
Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants