P eople of America, I know you were let down by Beyonce's lip-sync scandal, but as a nation, I think we need to calm the hell down.
But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about her Super Bowl performance, which, despite what Michelle Williams says, will include a Destiny's Child reunion. I don't care if she lip-syncs. Maybe she should, because the Super Bowl halftime show isn't really about music. It's about spectacle.
Do we look back at halftime shows and remember how well someone sang or played? Nope. We remember the costumes, the lights, the pyrotechnics and maybe even the dancing.
So, let's take a moment to look back in awe at the glorious celebrations of capitalism, pop and America that are Super Bowl halftime shows.
1993: Michael Jackson
The King of Pop performed at the Super Bowl in its early years of mainstream razzle dazzle. The show was exactly what anyone expects, but what was memorable was the approximate minute-and-a-half that the man just stood there. Aviators blocking his eyes, Michael just faced front building suspense, then making everyone a little uncomfortable. Seconds drag for years on stage and on TV. MJ gave zero fucks.
2001: Aerosmith, 'NSYNC, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige
Nothing of note really happened during this halftime show, but the lineup speaks for itself. It was a multi-genre-spanning flash fest of hip gyrations and sexuality.
2004: Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake
JT and Janet duetted on "Rock Your Body." Did you remember the song name? Neither did I. All that anyone will ever remember is that Justin yanked a piece of Janet's get-up right off, exposing an oddly-adorned breast to the world. Nuff said.
2009: Bruce Springsteen
The Boss' working-class thing doesn't exactly jibe with this kind of celebration, but then, no one has ever really cared. He's an all-American stadium rocker, even if he's got plenty of complaints about America. Middle-aged women everywhere swooned as he knee-slid crotch-first into a camera. Everyone else marveled that the man could still do that and shot Budweiser out of their noses as he collided balls-first.
2012: Madonna and M.I.A.
Madonna is a spectacle that needs a lot of explanation. M.I.A. is a spectacle that needs a lot of explanation. Many were surprised that she would even take the gig, then annoyed or delighted when she flipped the country the bird. Playing the game, doing it with flare, taking the money, then telling the system to fuck off because you can -- really, it's quite fitting.
Let's start with what we know. Beyonce will do "Crazy In Love" and we all hope and pray that Jay-Z will join her. Then, Destiny's Child is set to perform "Bills, Bills, Bills," "Survivor" and then new song, "Nuclear." We also have a teaser video of sorts, showing a lot of seriously good-looking women rehearsing for "Countdown" (or so the music suggests).
Besides that we can assume that Beyonce will be (or appear to be) flawless. Her hair will fly and the sass will be palpable. We'll realized we don't care about a lip-syncing scandal and cry out, "All hail Queen Bey! Long live pop!"