OH MY GAWD EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED.
Stop it. I can't.
OK, fine. If you're in love and all that, go for it. I'll just silently judge your love while you silently judge my love (for the whiskey I will consume at your wedding reception). Just do me a favor and get a good DJ.
The last time I was at a wedding, two things went wrong. One was that my date arrived late, missing dinner and insisting on running to McDonalds for food. The second was that as the reception was coming to an end, the DJ played Journey's “Don't Stop Believin'” and the complex arrangement of expletives I'd like to use to express my hatred for that song are pushing it even for this paper.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy dancing and singing like a fool, especially at weddings, but bad DJs seem stuck on a handful of songs. In fact, some of these songs could still be considered good if it weren't for the horrific overplay coupled with annoying crowd responses. (Emphasis on some.)
That “Cha Cha Slide” song. -- I don't even know if that's the real name or whose song it is and I will not look it up. My visceral reaction to this mindless, boring crap is to start scrying (screaming + crying). See also: “YMCA” and “Macarena.”
“We Are Family” by Sister Sledge -- Highly accurate, equally annoying.
“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor -- Not totally on-message for a wedding.
Also a sure-fire way to get half the room to sing loudly while gesturing dramatically.
“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond -- It's a wedding, not the middle of the eighth at Fenway
“Rapper's Delight” by Sugar Hill Gang -- It's a classic and I love it, and that's why it needs to go. Everyone knows the first few lines and then horrifically butchers the rest. It's painful.
There are many more, but I'll dedicate some space to attempting to be productive. Here are some alternate crowd pleasers I'll publicly enjoy way too much.
“Crazy In Love (ft. Jay-Z)” by Beyonce -- This is obvious for so many reasons.
“Lisztomania” by Phoenix -- No one can figure out the lyrics but if it doesn't make you want to dance like an idiot, you might be dead inside.
“Heya” by Outkast -- Nothing can kill this song. Nothing.
“Twist and Shout” by The Beatles -- Few songs put everyone on the same terrible dancing level as this one.
“Billionaire (ft. Bruno Mars)” by Travie McCoy -- You know the words and it's had enough room to breathe that we can all enjoy it again, no?
“September” by Earth Wind and Fire -- Let's groove.
“Buddy Holly” by Weezer -- Shmawww! Wholesome good times.
The possibilities are endless. Now go forth and wed to a better soundtrack, please.
Only slightly related final note: A guy hitting on me at a bar once told me the only music at his wedding would be house music. So...there we are.
Happy wedding season (which is apparently every season now)!