LISTEN UP

H i, I'm here for the three o'clock interview. Right, the one scheduled yesterday.

Sorry to surprise you, I figured I'd just wait here in your office. In your chair. It's a pretty comfortable chair, I can understand that you'd want it back. And I see you have Minesweeper. Man, I stink at Minesweeper. You'd think I'd get it by now, with all the practice.

So the interview, right. I'm here for the interview. Got my interviewing tie and my interviewing cufflinks and my interviewing sweatpants. Ready to go. Let's interview.

Why am I interested in working with International Widget? Wow, that's tough. I hadn't anticipated that one. Let's see. Why International Widget. Hmm. The money. Yeah, I could use the money. I understand this could help me to make some money. Money would be nice.

I saw the girl two cubicles from the men's restroom, too. She was pretty cute, that'd be a factor. Yeah, by the drinking fountain. Of course I didn't know that until today, so I'll stick with the money.

Qualifications? Are those, like, where you call people and ask about job history and outstanding warrants? Oh, those are references. Okay, yeah, I have qualifications. Not so much with the references.

My qualifications include a varied career with many different employers who have no telephones or permanent places of address. They've given me the opportunity to experience a myriad of managerial styles.

And I'm especially qualified for the sales position. I have a talent for saying things the way other people want to hear them, using words like "myriad" instead of "many". And I'm good with euphemisms. Like saying "managerial" instead of "yelling".

Euphemisms come in really handy with sales. Especially when you don't know what you're selling. Doesn't matter once it's sold, am I right? Yeah. I'm right.

I can also bluff pretty well. You probably couldn't even tell that I was interested in the money all along. Probably sounded like I really had to think about it. Yeah, bluffing has served me well in several previous careers. And by careers I mean casinos. You don't make a living at blackjack without learning to bluff.

Actually, it really has been tough earning a living at blackjack. You're pretty intuitive. I guess that's why you get the nice chair.

Questions for you? Sure, I have a few. Let's see. What's the drinking policy? No drinking policy? Excellent. Wait. No drinking policy, or no-drinking policy. Ah, that's an important distinction. I'd write that down if I'd brought any paper.

Let's see, what else. If you could be any animal, where would you see yourself in five years? Take your time, that's one of my better ones. In fact, you don't have to answer now, just jot it down on the offer letter.

I can start in three months, but I went ahead and brought my office things today, if you could just show me to an open office. Or a cubicle. Or I could hold on to them, sure.

Well what a coincidence, that's all the time I have too. No, no, I'll show myself out. I'm sure there's an exit down by the drinking fountain here. Two cubes from the men's room. No problem.

Ben Grabow writes for the young, the urban and the easily amused. E-mail him at thinlyread@gmail.com.