Suri Cruise turns two! What did you get her? I totally forgot about her birthday, but, since New York is her favorite city, I was thinking about getting her a Swarovski crystal-encrusted art piece of the city's skyline for her nursery wing of the house. Or, the mini-fashionista just loves Burberry, so perhaps the clothing line's new "Classic Novacheck Mary Janes," from the spring/summer 2008 collection. They are only $249.

I know when I was just a wee lassie, at two-years old, I would say Los Angeles was my favorite city, over New York City. Come on, Suri, the dining and the ambiance is so much more chic on the west coast at that age.

And, I remember my second birthday party like it was yesterday -- spicy octopus rolls were special-ordered from Geisha House in Hollywood and I was registered at Saks Fifth Avenue, just to make it easier on the guests for gift-buying. Oh, the good ol' days.

Good thing Suri's second birthday captured more headlines this week than Queen Elizabeth's 82nd.

CHUGGING JESSICA

Jessica Simpson was rushed to hospital last month for what her reps claimed was a kidney infection. Actually, it was a minor case of her being completely shitfaced.

"Star Magazine" said that her health problems were "brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol." A source for the magazine says she was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.

I can see it now. Jessica belting out Buffet's "Why Don't We Get Drunk," to her Dallas Cowboy boyfriend, Tony Romo, while he and six 250-plus-pound linebackers are playing flip-cup. Meanwhile, Papa Joe is rolling around in corn oil on the kitchen floor, making animal noises and attempting to video tape his daughter's boyfriend's tight end. Just a regular-old Sunday at the Simpson household.

DON'T COME KNOCK ON MY DOOR

I love E! Entertainment Television. In fact, besides "Reno 911," it's all I watch. But, there is one show on this delicious network that is driving me to painstakingly high amounts of vomiting. "The Daily 10," with Sal Masekela, Debbie Matenopoulos, and Catt Sadler. Ugh, just writing their names makes me nauseous.

First of all, the show, which boasts, "a fast-paced, hosts-driven, topical entertainment news show with attitude that recaps the top ten entertainment stories of the moment," usually comes immediately after E! News, so it pretty much recaps what we just saw.

Secondly, the three hosts are probably the most irksome threesome since "Three's Company." That is, of course, if Jack, Janet and Chrissy were played by Tony Little, Bea Arthur and Heidi Montag. Sal, contrary to your large ego, you are not attractive, and your fashion sense is horrendous. Catt and Debbie, your hands are going to fly away if you don't stop your bloody fidgeting. There's nothing I loathe more than a host who doesn't know what to do with his/her hands. Actually, Catt, just stop talking. And Debbie, pick your eyes up off the floor, glue them back into your face and get a job where you are not on-air. That'd be super.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown's icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches normally runs every Tuesday in The MIX section.