LISTEN UP

Are you a human in physical pain? Do you find yourself breaking bones, getting bruised or repeatedly punched in the face? We have just the person for you.

Stupid Bystander Pedestrian. Stupid Bystander Pedestrian comes fully equipped with a cell phone camera, a daft smirk and no heed for human life, whatsoever.

Monday, Morgan Freeman was hospitalized, and in serious condition from his car flipping several times in Mississippi.

While being removed from the vehicle by the Jaws of Life, in true form of modern class, Stupid Bystander Pedestrian was snapping photos with a cell phone. Seriously? Morgan Freeman is about to be airlifted to a hospital and you are collecting a souvenir?

Stupid Bystander Pedestrian comes with everything you see here. I’m Christy Fantz and I approve this message.

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, MK?

Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to be interviewed by federal investigators about Heath Ledger’s death until she’s granted immunity from the prosecution.

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger's home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them,” Olsen’s lawyer says.

So, if in fact she has nothing to do with the drugs, and has already told the government everything she knows, then why make things difficult?

Investigators have reportedly interviewed everyone else connected to Ledger and his death – including doctors, the masseuse who was at the scene of death, bodyguards, housekeepers, Michelle Williams and the list goes on. But, Mary-Kate is keeping mum for some suspicious reason.

Look, all you need to do is dangle a dead cow carcass in front of her, with the following stuffed in it (don’t worry, she’ll think it’s a fur coat): a Twinkie rolled in crushed OxyContin, BED HEAD Mousse Wax, black eyeliner and a stocking full of vintage Pucci. Yeah, leave it up to me and I’ll make that gaunt little bone talk.

BOOOOOO-RING

After raking in $14 million for smearing the deities on the cover of “People Magazine,” Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie garnered some praise from celebs at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday night:

“Wow,” Blake Lively said. “They’re such beautiful kids.”

“Dig ‘em, dig ‘em,” Josh Holloway from “Lost” said.

“Who the shit cares,” said Christy Fantz, Features Editor for the Colorado Daily. “Give the damn kids the money, you altruistic bastards.”

Brangelina is giving the money to charity. That’s nice and all, but come on Vivienne and Knox! Time for anarchism! Demand that money!

After the unveiling of the “People” cover, Pierre Auguste Renoir, L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Selleck (circa 1981) immediately converged into one being, turned into a piñata, and when struck, exploded with mini-airplane bottles of booze. People were talking. It was quite the sight.

I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BREAKING

Ladies, run, don’t walk to your nearest matchmaker dot com Web site. Sanjaya Malakar has a girlfriend. I’m so sorry you had to hear from me. He said in an interview that she is supportive and understands that he won’t always be in the same state as her, I’m assuming he’s referring to his celebrity lifestyle?

Actually, he really meant that he needs to follow his traveling highlightist around the country because his roots show ever so quickly. I hate when that happens.

And, in other heartbreaking news, “Playgirl” magazine announced it is going to cease printing issues. Get out! I didn’t even know it still existed? Anyone?

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong broke up. Sorry, Lance, you didn’t put enough coins in. Your ride was up. But it’s OK, she was spotted with her ex-husband Chris Robinson, lead singer of the Black Crowes, soon after. A source told “OK! Magazine” that the two were spotted non- “platonic” kissing.

“She and Chris have always been close and she turns to her exes after most of her breakups,” a friend of hers told “OK!”

Well, she turns to her exes after her breakups because the girl is a horny, with a capital SEX. And I’m sure Mr. Robinson isn’t objecting. He’s beginning to prune a smidge.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Lindsay’s little sis, Ali, said in an interview this week:

“I want it so bad,” she said of fame. “So bad you don’t even know. And now, it's actually happening. I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it's just a really good feeling to have.”

Stupid Bystander Pedestrian was the one that asked for the autograph, Ali. Don’t get too excited.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown’s icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in The MIX section.