Has anyone noticed that there seems to be a hierarchy when it comes to grocery stores in Boulder? On the lowest rung of the ladder, there’s Wal-Mart –which has been banished from town altogether like a bi-curious Amish boy.

Good riddance. Maybe that will teach them to be the nation’s number one employer and offer competitive savings on everything they sell. Bastards.

With Wal-Mart out of the way, Safeway and King Soopers have become the places to go for people in town with modest incomes wanting to save a little cash on quality groceries. In short, these stores offer solid, middle-of-the-road shopping for level-headed customers.

However, because Boulder has a large populous of shoppers who are “special,” there is also a large demand for grocery stores that allow people to spend far more for the products than might even be legal in some states. Which is good, because this also gives them a chance to constantly remind their friends – who wouldn’t normally engage in a lively grocery discussion – about where they get their groceries and how said groceries are superior to all others.

What’s more, the products sold at these stores often mimic, in appearance at least, those that you might find in the lower rung stores – the only noteworthy difference being the words “All Natural” and “Organic” placed strategically in the titles (i.e. “Lady Barfington’s All Natural Organic Frozen Pizza”).

For those of you who don’t know, however, the words “All Natural” and “Organic” are not allowed to appear on just any package – they mean something. Each term is individually sanctioned and carries with it a rigorous set of standards put into place by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). If, and only if, these standards are met, companies are then able to charge astronomic prices for food that tastes like cardboard.

Let’s face it, shopping religiously at places like Wild Oats and Whole Foods is little more than a status symbol for people who are overcome with eco-guilt and are blindly comforted by terms like “organic” and “recyclable.” Sure, there are slightly higher FDA standards for some of their products – but they are merely variations on an existing set of very high FDA standards that govern all food products in the United States.

Live a little, drink the tap water.

People are so quick to jump on science entering the realm of food –from traditional preservatives to chemicals that enhance colors, flavors and smells. They use scare words like “Frankenfood” to divert attention from the fact that these additives often make affordable food a much better experience for a lot of people. Like the people harvesting the coconuts for your organic pina colada soygurt.

Could there be anything more “Frankenfood” sounding than soygurt?

How about soy “burger”? Which is another thing that bothers me about many of the elitist grocery shoppers – they’re always trying to sell me on something healthy because it sounds like something that is already good, like soy burgers and veggie burgers and barbecued tofu.

I mean, if you’re vegan or vegetarian, kudos, more for me, but I don’t get the whole concept of dressing up vegetables to look like meat. It’s like a monk dating a blow-up doll: you’re getting off on a technicality, but the very fact that you’re doing it begs the question of why you even signed up.

But I digress. It’s actually great that different people have different dietary standards – it’s good for the economy and it’s good for culture – even I will try any food once. I just have a problem when people become judgmental of others based on personal taste, spiritual beliefs and income level ... which are all a central factor for many Whole Foods/Wild Oats shoppers.

So stock up on alfalfa sprouts and dairy-free cheese curds to your heart’s content, just don’t push your dietary beliefs down my throat. Literally.

Lance Vaillancourt drains excess sarcasm writing Diet Water every Wednesday for the Colorado Daily. If you dig it, contact him at vaillancourt@coloradodaily.com.