LISTEN UP

Faugh! The state just lowered the blood alcohol level for intoxication afloat to 0.08. And now it extends to those on rafts, kayaks, canoes, jet skis and paddle boats –and evidently inner tubes, flotsam, and the like as well.

Darn! No longer may we swig while sculling, or paddle plowed. Watch out for the water police, children. How does one get pulled over on the water? “How fast do you think you were floating, sir?” Do you have to row a straight line?

TASTE MY DISDAIN, BATFILM 

Let me help play pile-on with the morning-after critical backlash against “The Dark Knight.” Yes! Nothing is more satisfying to a craven commentator on the achievements of others than to sidle slowly backwards like Alan Rickman and sneer after the initial tsunami of adoration.

Dear Christian Bale:

Love your work. Can we talk? The Batvoice. Need a lozenge? You’re freaking me out. You make Lionel Stander sound like Mario Lanza (bing! Two impenetrable references!).

Yes, I know that if you don’t gruff it up, someone you are beating the crap out of will pause and say, “Hey! You sound an awful lot like playboy billionaire Bruce W-THWAPPP!!” Nonetheless, we can’t hear you.

Superman has good diction. Speak so that the back of the class can hear you!

Heath Ledger. Yes, a genius. Good job? Yes. Oscar-worthy? We dare say no.

Will he win it anyway? Let’s put it this way: If they nominated the Messiah in the same category next year, He would be seen clapping feebly in one of the four Loser Cameo Close-ups as winner Ledger was announced.

And the editing and framing. Can you tell who’s hitting whom? Neither can I, nor could I in “Batman Begins.” Chris! Back up a step!

HOW MUCH DO AIRLINES HATE US?

Not that we travel other than first class, always, but nothing says “We’re out of ideas” quite like JetBlue announcing that it will charge $7 for a pillow and blankie. (Actually, the pillow’s a gimme – that’s one high-quality $7 blanket! They are prized by polar explorers for their insulating ability.)

I can see the airline comptroller’s office right now: “Did the revenue bump from the $7 pillow save the company?”

“It did!”

“HOORAY!”

Actually, I think a cocktail on an airplane is cheaper! Order some for you and the children next time, instead. That will make you warm and sleepy.

And please don’t start bringing your own. They will figure out a way to charge you for it.

I WANT MY DNC HOOKER

In the news, all about an expected upsurge in prostitution at the Republican National Convention.

Hey, what about us? This is tantamount to saying that only Republicans pay for it. I know, it’s cool to be a Democrat at the moment, but they have needs too.

Where’s our civic pride? Denver has plenty of slatterns! (Trust me: I just know.)

C’mon, ladies of the evening! Let’s polish up our brass bedposts, hire some honky-tonk pianists, hang up our beaded curtains, and open our, um, limbs to our visitors.

It can only help Denver’s ever-present sense of inferiority. A Big City has whores, dammit!

Does this strike you as the kind of thing you are going to put up with? Would you like to pimp a bizarre cultural interest? Contact Brad Weismann at editor@coloradodaily.com.