OMG! The anticipation for ABC's new season of "Dancing With The Stars" is has my panties in a bunch. Especially now that the leaked lineup is out. "In Touch Weekly" says Kim Kardashian, Lance Bass and Toni Braxton are a few of the contestants.

Who am I most excited about? Carol Brady. That's right, the 74-year-old "Brady Bunch" alum, Florence Henderson, will be rocking out with her adult diapers out. At least they'll be contained by support hose, underneath her tutu.

However, on a sad note, in an attempt to appear on the show, Tara Reid had been handing out free sexual favors to network execs, come three years now, to no avail.

Aside from spending 33 percent of her time pleasuring a chunk of North America (and a smidgen of Europe), 54 percent firing down alcohol at beach bars, and the remaining 13 percent trying to stand up straight, the girl has been hard-up for work.So, FOX News says: "According to our inside source, the perennial party girl has applied for the show multiple times but was rejected each time on the basis that she isn't 'family friendly' enough."

So, DWTS, sans crispy, fake-tan botched-boob jobs. What will we do? Well, even the nights are better. Even the days are brighter. That is, come Sept. 22 when Kardashian's ass cleavage is in full moon. I mean full effect.

RUN, DON'T WALK

Lynne Spears' book "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" will hit bookstores next month. Look forward to reading more about good ol' southern white trash, including, but not limited to: Britney's breakdown, Jamie Lynn's pregnancy and Sam Lutfi.

I - personally - am holding out my $24.99 for the day Angelina Jolie's memoir comes out: "Clown Car: The story of my uterus and the posse that came out of it."

PULLIN' A HECHE?

Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, made a public appearance for Samantha's birthday, holding hands. Looks like Linds got a hold of a collagen lollipop. Looks like she also got a hold of a diamond ring on her engagement finger?

Well, well Lindsay. I see your Portia De Rossi and I raise you an Anne Heche. You don't have me fooled, young lady. Now go deflate your lips and put a bra on.

AIKEN IS A DAD?

You read it right. Don't worry, no sex was entailed in this jaunt. In vitro, in utero, out utero. Bada bing, bada boom. I can see Aiken blushing from here. OK, Clay, I'll stop talking about vaginas.

But, really, Clay's "dear friend," music producer Jaymes Foster, gave birth on Friday to son Parker Foster Aiken.

All I know is if he has his daddy's looks, I call dibs on him in 2026. What? He'll be legal. Ugh, I can feel the chunks rising in my throat.

PRATT KILLS 'PLAYGIRL'

Rumors were flying last week, saying MTV's "The Hills'" Spencer Pratt, was to possibly pose nude for "Playgirl."

Sweet! Now we know why the rag will quit printing! "Playgirl" announced they were shutting down the print edition and focusing on the Web. Probably because after Pratt made them his offer, the execs all collectively threw up in the building, clogging the sewage, and now it will cost too much to fix. Cutting printing costs was the most effective move.

The major question still remains, however: Does the carpet match the flesh-colored curtains?

Now I really just threw up.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown's icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in The MIX.