Comedian Andy Dick may face four misdemeanors, including assault, possession of drugs and public intoxication. No sexual battery, though, according to the Associated Press.

So, apparently, 42-year-old men can pull down 17-year-old girls' tops and bras, bare their breasts, but heed no worry! You won't get charged with sexual battery!

All you need to do is follow these simple instructions: Pop a pound of Xanax, wash it all down with a handle of vodka and smoke a blunt in the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot. Then, expose yourself -- by peeing in the middle of the parking lot (screw finding a dark corner) -- and wait out your victim. It's best to look for an innocent, underage girl, probably with a tube top on.

OK, do not try this at home. I guess technically, sexual battery denotes penetration, but hit Dick where it hurts.

Pun intended. Dirty old man.

Set up for disaster

Celebs, picking baby names can be easy.

Take the name of your favorite place -- mine, for instance, is the bar.

Then, take the name of a famous celebrity who died before you -- I'll chose Bo Diddley. Then, take your occupation -- me, a journalist.

See how easy that was?

My future baby's name will be Bar Bo Journalist Fantz.

Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Who knows, but it's a rockin' name!

Just like Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale probably should have just named their new son Beatthecrapoutofme Ontheplayground Rossdale.

Zuma Beach is in Malibu and Nesta is Bob Marley's given name and Rock, well, we say it's because that's mommy and daddy's occupation, but I'm guessing it's after Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Who could forget his moving performance in 1997's "WrestleMania 13?"

I'm verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

Montag caught in a lieLooks like Heidi Montag forgot to check her sources before she claimed she's a virgin to Ryan Seacrest.

Hollyscoop says Spencer Pratt claims the couple sleeps with "pillows in between" them when they shack up so they aren't tempted to get it on.

Not so fast. Hollyscoop dug up an old "The Hills" episode when the pure one tells Spencer the pregnancy test she took turned out negative. Whoops.

According to Spencer, "We don't sin over here."

Funny, because last I checked, it's pretty much a sin every time you enter the land of the "ordinary."

Oh, if only it really was.

Beckham: The Musical

The UK Telegraph says a musical about David Beckham's story is in the works. Yippee!

"The Theatre of Dreams" is a "modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country," says Mark Archer, songwriter for the gig.

Good for them. Those poor Beckhams. They are just really struggling, and, by golly, avid American and British heroes. What a feel-good story. Play soccer, marry Spice Girl, get wife boob job, pop out kids, get a musical.

Note: Watch for Victoria Beckham's boobs to make a cameo as street lamps.

Great news!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now qualify for child benefits in France!

That's right, a grand total of $2,592.81 is available per month in "nanny payments" and an "orphan allowance." These benefits, according to People.com, are available to all families in France, regardless of financial status.

Damn, that's more than I make in a month. Ladies, maybe it does pay to put a block of cheese, sans mousetrap, in between your legs and see what climbs out of there.

That is, of course, if you move to France.