Associated Press

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson shop in Paris. Is Lohan drinking again?

These altruistic bastards are going all Miss America on us.

Here's what some celebrities want for the holidays, according to People.com.

Mary J. Blige: "I just want peace."

And I just want a fire-engine red, '59 Caddy Coupe DeVille with Adrien Brody riding shotgun.

Kelly Osbourne : "To have a Christmas where we all get along."

I want to have a Christmas with some figgy pudding, a partridge in a pear tree and a cup of good cheer. And I won't go until I get some, I won't go until I get some, I won't go until I get some, so bring some out here.

Mr. T: "My holiday wish is peace on Earth and goodwill toward everybody on Earth, because maybe then we can stop the war and feed the less fortunate."

My holiday wish is to bitch slap Mr. T for letting those words escape his face.

Leelee Sobieski: "Maybe, to fall in love, but I don't know if I have time for that right now!"

Well, do you have time to come out of Helen Hunt's closet?

I so went there.

Sticky fingers

Police are investigating $125,000 in missing Bulgari jewelry loaned to Winona Ryder at an event last weekend in Spain.

Supposedly, Ryder claimed she lost the high-end diamond bracelet and ring after turning them over in an envelope to a hotel's front desk.

Funny, the surveillance tape revealed no such transaction.

I'm sure the jewels are safe and sound in her room-sized wardrobe chock-full of crazy pills and full-discounted designer duds from Saks Fifth Avenue, Barneys and Neiman Marcus.

This incident is reminiscent of when she stole scores of makeup from Hollywood's CVS Pharmacy in March. After setting off the store's alarm, Ryder told the security guard she didn't know how the unpaid items got in her purse.

I hate when I get home from Walgreens and a tube of mascara is like, "Ha, ha, I jumped in your purse again, sucker!"

Neuter them!

Village idiots Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ran off to Mexico last weekend and got hitched.

The guest list? Us Weekly.

How sweet. The wholesome bond of marriage is cashed in via tabloids. Not that I'm surprised.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger boob to marry Pratt.

Does someone have a flesh-colored beard in the oven?

Speaking of knocked up

Elen DeGeneres' attempt to out Mariah Carey's baby news by offering her a glass of champagne on her show was spoiled.

Mariah said, "I only drink after 3 p.m."

Yeah, and "Glitter" was quite the blockbuster.

And your constricting microskirts are flattering to your figure.

And Nick Cannon is far from your bitch.

And Beyonce looked svelte in that black "rubber" jumpsuit she wore on the set of the "Today" show on Wednesday.

OK, that had nothing to do with anything, but does anybody have a warehouse of Crisco? She's still struggling in the removal department.

I think I heard Kim Kardashian in the crowd screaming for an ass-off.

Busted

Lindsay Lohan was caught on a security camera making herself a Red Bull vodka. *Gasp!*

Off the wagon she goes.

Screw the wagon, Linds. Rehab garners a much more rousing press life.

Take heed from Amy Winehouse's collection of multi-colored stretch-resistant plastic-snap bracelets -- they're all the rage.

Quote of the week

"The whole year has been a hell of a year for me," Britney Spears says in January's Glamour about her time in the hospital, her loss of custody and the head shaving incident.

No, Britney. It's been a hell of a year for us.

Now put on your panties like a big girl and keep your crotch out of the press.