Despite the unwavering influence of actual, real science, a healthy percentage of the population continues to place stock in astrology.

Rather than argue that its long-standing success is simply a unique way of capitalizing on people's fear of the unknown, I've decided instead to find a unique way to capitalize on people's fear of the unknown.

After all, it only stands to reason that if the lives of humans are directly affected by how the stars were aligned when they were born, then the same concept must also apply to their dogs.

And if humans can receive daily insight by selectively interpreting vague statements in their horoscopes, why can't they find even more insight by selectively interpreting vague statements about their dogs?

I'll tell you why, because nobody writes a horoscope for dogs -- until now (cha-ching!).

And so, without further ado, I give you the first ever Official Dog Horoscope. And remember, all you dog-loving astrology believers: The first reading is always free!

Pawrus

(Irish Setters, Shih Tzus, Siberian Huskies)

A trip to the V-E-T is in the works first thing in the morning. Be sure to roll around in a nice, stinky carcass today to spread the misery around evenly.

Germemini

(German Shepherds)

A brief romp in post-zombie-apocalypse New York City will have you turning to the dark side if you don't remember to stay in the sunlight. If you hear any Bob Marley music, death is imminent! Watch "I Am Legend" to learn what not to do.

Fleo-o

(Cocker Spaniels, Corgis, Bloodhounds)

A surprise visitor will interrupt the regular flow of the day. Let 'em know who's boss by barking incessantly at the door!

Labra

(Labrador Retrievers)

The ball is on the counter in the garage. The ball is on the counter in the garage. The ball is on the counter in the garage . . .

Scoobio

(Pugs, Bullmastiffs, Great Danes)

Somebody left the back gate open. Wait until your owner goes off to work, and make a break for it!

Pinscher

(Pinchers)

They still haven't noticed your pee stain behind the living room couch. Whew!

Haires

(Boxers, Pit bulls, Bulldogs, Rottweilers, Doberman Pinschers)

Michael Vick is re-negotiating a possible parole deal . . . lay low!

Furgo

(Newfoundlands, St. Bernards, Swiss Mountain Dogs)

An unexpected encounter with the vacuum cleaner will leave you rattled, but take heart! An afternoon nap will help calm your nerves.

Fetchitarious

(Golden Retrievers, Greyhounds, Irish Terriers)

Remember that rope you ate? You'll be seeing it again today, and it's going to be a long afternoon.

Ahairious

(Weimaraners, Poodles)

Your ass will have a strange aftertaste when you start licking it this morning. But keep licking -- eventually it will go back to normal.

Lapricorn

(Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Rat Terriers, Jack Russell Terriers)

You're slowly realizing that although you have adult dog needs, your owner is going to treat you like a puppy/fashion accessory forever. Compensate by barking at everything all of the time.

Pawsces

(Beagles, Pugs, Boston Terriers)

Your couch-humping has gotten out of control. Time to find a new hobby. Consult Ahairious for suggestions.