Ahoy there, maties!

If you're like me (and nowadays, who isn't?), you've heard a lot recently about pirates. That's right, those high-seas hooligans who have made such a fuss on the Gulf of Aden.

According to the BBC, the shenanigans of those seafaring Somalis have brought in more than $150 million over the last calendar year. In today's death-spiral economy, that's quite a chunk of change!

We here at Y'arrgh Inc. want to help YOU take a good, hard look at this lucrative career path. Piracy is a recession-proof industry with unlimited growth potential, and you can get in on the ground floor TODAY.

Like the beach? Want to be your own boss, set your own hours and take in your fair share of the booty? All it takes is access to weapons and a boat, and BINGO -- you're a pirate!

But is it the right move for you? Do you have what it takes to hoist the jib, handle a marlinspike or keelhaul a lubber? With that in mind, we offer you this handy Pirate Aptitude Test.

1. Which of the following is not a ship?

A. HMS Edinburgh

B. USS Carl Vinson

C. Carnival Conquest

D. Cutlass Supreme

2. According to ocean-going etiquette, from which side do you attack?

A. Port (left)

B. Starboard (right)

3. After engaging in hand-to-hand combat, pirates must:

A. Separate the women hostages from the men

B. Collect all passports and confiscate private communication devices

C. Radio the nearest government center with ransom request

D. wash hands before returning to work

4. Identify the pirate movie you found most moving/inspirational, and why. Use three key terms. (Note: you may not cite "Cutthroat Island.")

5. Complete the phrase: A pirate's best friend is . . .

A. A tall ship and a star to sail her by

B. St. Scabrous, the patron saint of pirates

C. His vast compendium of incomprehensible pirate lingo

D. A parrot

E. Avast, ye bilge-rat! Pirates ha'e no friends!

Send us your answers. If you answer any of them correctly, YOU are a PIRATE!

Then, for the low, low cost of $399.99, we'll send you our Home Pirate Training Course! Complete with step-by-step instructions, motivational tapes and a rag to tie your head with, this certified instructional package will have you wielding a rocket launcher and beaching battle-tank-laden freighters in no time.

You don't even need to be near the ocean! We have you start with tactical exercises that can be carried out at your local lake, river, pond or water park.

So put the naughty back in nautical. Send in your Pirate Aptitude Test today!

Offer void where prohibited. Offer not valid in Nebraska; we don't know why. You'll be billed later. Y'arrgh Inc. accepts no responsibility for legal consequences of buccaneer activity, up to and including hanging. Ask your doctor about piracy. ARRRRR!!!!