LISTEN UP

The birth of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s “divine beings” are really making me miss the bobbed bowl cut on Suri Cruise.

Twins, a boy Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline, were born on Saturday night. Can we just put an oversized period at the end of that sentence? Nothing but a pipe dream, friends. Unfortunately, until Heidi Montag squeezes an implant out of her uterus, Knox and Vivienne will be the talk of the town.

At least these babies got off semi-easy compared to the other kid’s ridiculous names. “Us Weekly” says Knox is Pitt’s grandfather’s middle name and Marcheline was the name of Jolie’s mother, who died of cancer last year. Maybe they’ll name their next boy Rex. Or maybe Sex. They wouldn’t want to break tradition: Maddox, Pax, Knox. Ugh, my larynx. Oh, how they vex.

WHO KNOWS BEST?

Besides the fact that Hulk Hogan lathered up his daughter’s ass with sunblock lotion, he recently watched her perform in scantily-clad lingerie at a Miami nightclub.

Brooke “Hogan” was celebrating the premiere of her new VH1 reality show “Brooke Knows Best,” which will focus on her, uh, who knows what. Buttchin, maybe? Although, of all the Hogans, she probably does know best. Mommy dearest is nailing one of her daughter’s 19-year-old former school mates, brother Nick is in prison for eight months on charges of reckless driving (and not to mention, turning one of his good friends into a vegetable) and dear-old dad may have eyes for his own spawn. Ew.

THEY DO HAVE HEARTS!

Well I’ll be damned. There actually are celebrities who don’t want to make money off their baby! Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have reportedly turned down big, fat money offers for the first pictures of (gag) Sunday Rose.

Media in Australia says if they release a photograph of the newborn, it will be for free. That just moved the Casper Long-Legs and Metrosexual Blonde-Tips up a notch in my book.

But, in other news, Sunday’s future brother, Twelve O’Clock Kidman-Urban’s baby pictures may help the hagged-out parents make some money in 2014. Stay tuned. 

LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

“As you can see, I’m a normal-looking girl, and I just make the best of what I have,” Victoria Beckham told Allure magazine’s August issue. “I’m not out-of-the-ordinary-looking at all – I’m incredibly ordinary.”

Yeah, if you call having two flesh-colored beanbags thumping against your chin when you walk “ordinary.”

On a holier note, Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone was on Good Morning America to talk about his new tell-all book about the Material Girl, and he said:

“First of all – despite everything else, she’s still a Catholic girl.”

Yes, Madonna is such a devout Catholic. In fact, she is so pious, I was thinking about penciling her in to hear my next confession. That is, of course, if she can take time off from her extramarital affairs or her testosterone injections.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown’s icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in The MIX section.