The youngest Kardashian, Kloe, was released from jail after an excruciating three hours served for violating probation, stemming from a drunk driving arrest last year.

Poor girl. Apparently, there was a lockdown due to a bomb threat. Kloe, how considerate of your sisters to call it in (or maybe your shithouse-rat crazy mom), but don't you girls know the sentencing for faking a bomb threat? Face it, Kim's colossal ass will never make it in prison.

Well, now you are free to do, uh, whatever it is you do.

BITCH FIGHT!

90210 part deux will be back with *duck* Shannen Doherty. Associated Press says she will *hide* come back as Brenda Walsh to West Beverly High as a guest director for the school's musical production. Oops, I just assumed she was throwing Jason Preistly at me for mentioning her name.

This will be super. Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth are also returning. The show airs on Sept. 2. On Sept. 3, watch for Spelling and Garth scurrying from Warner Bros. studios with Trapper Keepers over their black eyes and their half-bald hair blowing in the smog.

After Doherty was (seemingly) forced out of shows for her discordant and feuding behavior in the past, evidently the network wants more. Maybe Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton will make a cameo. Let the bitch fight ensue over Rick Solomon. Married, married, nailed in a sex tape, respectively.

TIME OFF FOR ROLE MODELS

At least now Amy Winehouse has a real reason to smoke crack. Her husband, "my Blake" Fielder-Civil, was sentenced Monday to 27 months in jail, but could be free in December (after serving half of his time), if he's a good boy.

He has served about nine months, thus far, and earlier, he appealed to a judge to let him go so he could become a role model for his troubled wife (pause for laughter).

Come on, at least he could downgrade the habit to just cocaine snorting, instead of crack smoking. That way, her lungs will be out of harm's way.

Fielder-Civil's lawyer, Jeremy Dein, told the judge that Blake had an "intimate relationship with drug addiction," but that he and Winehouse were determined to rebuild their lives. Um, I think that's news to her.

CHILDBIRTH IS A BREEZE

Jessica Alba probably got at least a million dollars for and her new daughter, Honor Marie Warren, to be this month's ornaments on "OK! Magazine."

She told the mag childbirth was really "Zen." Good ol' hubby Cash chimed in and says she didn't make a sound.

"The labor was more like meditation," she told the magazine. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Yeah, and this was all during natural childbirth. Translation: no drugs.

I've never had a baby, but I'm more than positive that I would be bitch slapping the doctor with scalpels when four 40 oz. King Cobras came squeezing out of my uterus. So, Jessica, shut up. Roll up Cash in that "Zen" and smoke it.

MRS. SQUARED WENTZ

ADDS A MISS

The Wentz girls are adding a girl to their clan. The baby is due Oct. 31, and according to "Star," Pete is sewing baby clothes. That is, after he trims the roses, frolics through some daisies, sashays around the living room, cries through his emotions and changes his tampon, all while reapplying his eyeliner every 30 minutes. Come on, the heat makes it run!

Well, at least Ashlee Simpson-Wentz only needs to keep track of purchasing the eye makeup and the tight pants.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown's icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday.