Great. "Sex and the City" is coming. Yeah, yeah, we've seen it from decades away. Frankly, it's growing a bit weary. It did seem a little intriguing at first, until SJP's mole, um, I mean face, has been on exhibit on what seems like everything from tampon boxes to church bulletins.

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So, I ask you, Carrie, just when is the glorified "Sex" going to stop nailing the city? Put that in your column and smoke it.

CLEPTO LILO

The Lohan family will soon be raking in the gigantic-bucks now that momma Dina will "star" in the soon-to-be-flourishing reality show on E! Entertainment Television.

So, dear Lindsay, in light of all this, what makes you steal? The classy broad allegedly stole student Masha Markova's fur coat in a nightclub in New York. A few weeks later, Markova saw several photos, in different magazines, of Lindsay wearing the jacket. The girl contacted Lindsay's people and the coat was returned with an added smell of smokes and alcohol. What a sweet gesture.

Lindsay, tell us. Is stealing helping you make up for emptiness in your life? Well, since it's evidently not sex, let's brainstorm. Are you filling the papa Lohan void? Or maybe the lack of a "normal" childhood? Are you missing the narcotics, sweet, li'l one?

The truth is, you were just powdering your nose at the club to sober up, when you saw a nice fuzzy little animal talking to you from the coat check room at a NYC nightclub. The little guy told you to take it to wonderland, didn't it? So, you put it on and then rolled around in some sewer rats until you sobered up.

It's OK, your highly-anticipated third album will make you feel better. It doesn't come out until the fall, and, in fact, I am in line right now waiting for it. Funny, because I just saw Dina rolling around in some goose poop outside of Best Buy, while talking to a fire hydrant. Your sweet kin makes me miss family game night.

WINEHOUSED

If I see another picture of Amy Winehouse in a bra and cutoff-jean underwear, I'll have to start mailing her Ramen noodles. I am embarrassed for the girl. She looks like a starving boy from Ethiopia. Where is the girl's stylist? Shit, Amy, just give me 45 grand a year and I'll dress you. Throw in a fifth of whiskey a week and I'll even buy you a new grill.

The thing that makes me sad is that she is a phenomenal musician. I am so terrified she is going to kick it before a release of a new album and then I'll have to resort to Lily Allen and Kate Nash, who are in dire need of overdosing on downers prior to "writing" new songs.

Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown's icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. E-mail her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in The MIX section.