K ate Hudson literally just hopped off of Owen Wilson and into the bike seat. Hopefully, for her case, someone removed the seat. Ouch. She and Lance Armstrong went on a "cozy" date in Austin. Hey, at least they are dating their own kind. A village bicycle, Seattle Slew, RTD, you know - everybody's had a ride. Poor Austin now has to spray the city limits for crabs.

AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET HIM FREE

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer go together like lube and work. Why? Well, he allegedly has large feet. Some of his bubbly exes have revealed he is hard to get over, and I'm assuming it's not because of his marvelous personality. According to "New York Daily News," an ex was overheard saying "His body actually is a wonderland." Aw, Johnny boy, mama must be so proud.

OSCAR IN THE WORKS

Since the cast of "The Hills" won't be six-feet under our favorite hill anytime soon, I am forced to make fun of them. Audrina Patridge made her venture into acting. Pause for laughter. She is currently filming "Into the Blue 2." Pause for hysteria. Now let's be thankful for reality television giving us phenomenal actors such as Justin Guarini, Toni Ferrari, Colin Mortensen and Kyle Brandt. Who? Exactly.

We can only look to the future and hope to see Dina Lohan in a leading role soon. Consider my breath held.

BRITISH BRUISERS

It seems as though Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are currently nailing. Please, do the world a favor and don't procreate. That would be a double-crack baby with some serious mangled teeth. Save the child from its misery.

Shouldn't there be a court order on this kind of stuff? I heard a rumor that every time two British crackheads are in the same room, Heidi Montag spontaneously sends posed pictures of her and Spencer Pratt frolicing in the fields to "US Weekly." So, Amy and Pete, for the sake of humankind, for the sake of my sanity, divide!

DOGGONE IT

"Dog the Bounty Hunter" is returning for its fifth season, with A&E saying "It's not about ratings." You betcha A&E. Keep telling yourself that. As it turns out, he's "not a racist," a spokesman for the network says.

Dog didn't want his son's black girlfriend to be around because they say the "n" word in the house. Hey, you said it, man:

"I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It's not because she's black, it's because we use the word n* sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some fucking n* heard us say n* and turned us in to the 'Enquirer' magazine."

Not racist? Hmmm. Dog, keep telling yourself that. Features Editor Christy Fantz is in no way perfect. But she loves a tirade on Tinseltown's icons, idols and village idiots. Or just pop culture in general. Email her at features@coloradodaily.com if you feel so inclined. Hollywood Headaches runs every Tuesday in The MIX section.