Egad.

Of course, being the opportunistic vultures we of the liberal media conspiracy are, we have all hopped on the Sarah Palin controversies faster than you can say "gestating fetus." (Try saying that real fast three times.)

It has gotten to the point that, even before a candidate's name is announced, it is necessary to preemptively cry, "For the love of God, stop hounding (insert name here)! Some things are sacred!"

Well, we concur. We breed young here at the chateaux, and it hasn't upset the local peasantry. Don't let Baby Oops distract us from the thoughts and experience, if any, Palin brings to the overloaded buffet table of theater -- I mean, politics.

Some suggestions:

Support. My sister still has a bunch of old baby clothes. Can we send them to you, Bristol? (Note to Sarah: naming your kids after places in England is so de trop. I say no more Chelseas, Bristols, Selbys, Tynes or Lord Berkeley's Knobs. What is this, America or "Henry VI, Part II"?

Exploitation. Check Internet to see if, in addition to hotmoms.com, we have steamygmas.net. Sarah could already be a winner!

Counseling. Since we learn everything we need to know about life from the movies, here's a helpful list of cheeky, upbeat teen pregnancy films to scan. Report back to me on what you've learned, use three key terms.

"Juno," 2007, J. Reitman: High-school girl possessed of the 027 . 0000.00mordant wit of Oscar Levant wisecracks her way through pregnancy.

"Knocked Up," 2007, Apatow: Stoner and hot chick make whoopee, live not to regret it.

"The Miracle of Morgan's Creek," 1944, Sturges: The most subversive comedy ever made gives us Betty Hutton in the family way, Eddie Bracken as her hapless suitor Norval, and Bill Demarest as the irascible Officer Kockenlocker. Makes fun of World War II, patriotism, family values and even the Nativity.

"Seduced and Abandoned," 1964, Germi. This one's for Levi Johnston, the co-parent and presumptive new spouse of Bristol. Wacky Italian yuckfest features cad who impregnates fiancée's little sister, and then tries to evade marrying her. Che infamia!

"Citizen Ruth," 1996, Payne: Devastating satire features Laura Dern as paint-huffing lowlife, with child for the fifth time, who plays pro- and anti-abortion forces against each other to get best deal for herself.

There! All set! Doesn't that feel better? Let us now sing "Kumbaya."

Ball uninflated

Can you believe that Humphrey, my batsman, can't seem to figure out how to reinflate my Pezzi ball? How can I do my revolutionary new set of exercises designed to trim and tone without it?

It's a scam, of course.

Any time you have a product that requires something extra to make it work, you can be sure that it is expensive and impossible to find. Evidently, the inflation adapter for this wretched sphere is hidden from the public. Damn you, Pezzi manufacturers! Why must your specialized equipment 027 . 0000.00 00011be made to interlock as delicately as the genitalia of seahorses?

Speaking of specialized equipment, tough luck, Google employees. No more free dinners, tea trolleys, water slides, tanning beds, electroshock therapy or Asian massages at work. We must tighten our belts.

Now, get back on ramping up those page hits!