christy fantz
Christy Fantz

W onder what Santa would look like in a Speedo?

Me too.

Let's close our eyes and ponder. Look at that portly belly shaking like a bowl full of delirium tremens.

Sexy.

Wonder what a bunch of Santas would look like in Speedos?

Close those eyes again.

We need a shot. And to be held.

On Saturday at Mead Street Station, 3625 W. 32nd Ave., Denver, we can see (or join in) with our virgin eyes for the Denver Santa Speedo Dash.

Mead Street Station -- an affordable (and tasty) live music bar nestled in the highbrow Highlands Square -- is hosting a mile run for those who have no qualms about bouncing their balls around the neighborhood in spandex nut huggers.

Of course, you don't have to wear a Speedo, but you should join the crew by throwing on skimpy swimwear and accessorizing with lights, tinsel, beards, ornaments, jingle bells, a satchel of toys, fat guts and such.

Registration is $35 -- but before you whine -- proceeds will benefit the Life Is Better Rescue, an all-breed, all-species animal rescue that saves animals from shelter euthanization. The rescue snatches up pets from death row and finds the fuzzy buddies a new family. Aw. My tail is wagging.

Check-in is at 12:30 p.m., the run is at 1 p.m. and participants get a free Santa hat, a pre-race Mrs. Claus shot, a post-race beer and food by Mead Street. (Which is delish. Not "nom." That word is stupid.)

If Rudolph makes it snow, let's hope that when you spoon that hot girl belly-up to the bar, you've brushed up on shrinkage speak.

Info: santaspeedodash.com

Crude comedy

Deck Comedy Works with piss and grits,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be dicks,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our ugly hipster holiday sweaters...

That's enough.

Comedy Works, 1226 15th St., Denver, is hosting Chuck Roy's Naughty (Dirty) Christmas Show -- a raunchy show featuring Denver's top comedians -- without a filter.

Word on the snow-less street is, this is pretty damn vulgar. (I like your moves.) Beware: It can be offensive and people have walked out in the past. (I like your style.) Plus, the show has sold out two years in a row, so snag tickets soon. (Call me.)

If you haven't been to Comedy Works yet, go. The underground gem in downtown Denver has been hailed by tons of uber-famous comedians as the venue being one of their favorite places to perform. It's intimate, dark and delicious. This show is an affordable $12, so now's your chance.

And, if you haven't had the pleasure of watching Chuck Roy (host of "Film on the Rocks") perform, do it. He's a funny fuck.

And I'm a lady.

Info: Sunday at 7 p.m.; comedyworks.com; 303-595-3637; $12