jeanine fritz

S o after four beers, three rounds of Russian Ping-Pong, two glasses of wine and one can of chili from 7-Eleven at 2 a.m., I woke up Saturday morning feeling... not so easy-breezy beautiful.

Waking up at 2 p.m., there was still an excellent chance I would throw up on one of my friends later in the afternoon. Some asshat decided we should all meet at the Irish bar Saturday and make tiny parade floats. What asshat would put together an arts and crafts afternoon knowing full well someone could be massively hungover?

This asshat.

Damn, I lack foresight.

Anyway, all morning I was running around collecting stuff: tiny roller skates, and toy trucks, and shoe boxes, and markers, and wrapping paper, and loads of shit with shamrocks on it because the handmade floats were being made in preparation for Boulder's World's Shortest St. Patrick's Day Parade on Sunday.

With some luck, you showed up Sunday and saw a bunch of stupidly awesome mini-floats being pulled on children's roller skates. But Saturday, as I stared at the table piled high, I couldn't help but think this was going to be a disaster. Besides being half brain-dead, I didn't seem to have any dexterity in my fingers. Writing this column was like typing with horse hooves for hands.

What did I need? I needed a fucking hangover cure and I needed it stat.


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So in anticipation of the drinkingest holiday, which is right around the dig-dang corner, and keeping in mind I was massively hungover, let's discuss hangover cures.

You can cut out this list, laminate it, and stick it in yer wallet for next Monday morning, the day after St. Patrick's Day.

First off, don't even think of eating the hangover away. Go ahead, try it: pizza, chicken fingers, greasy burger, Moons Over My Hammy...it won't work.

Believe me, I tried. And it didn't work.

After much discussion with friends and the bar staff, everyone started searching for ways to cure my hangover. Here's what was suggested:

--Hydration is the first thing you need to do and coconut water is the way to do it.

--Jump into Boulder Creek. It'll shock it out of you. And no, I don't care that it's snowing.

--You've gotta just hold still and sweat it out.

--Hair of the dog; whiskey in particular.

--Pho, pho, pho.

--Playing video games in your underwear with a grilled cheese.

--Doobie and kombucha, cannonball-style.

--Fly to Miami and go find one of those places where they'll give you an I.V.

--Before bed, have a huge glass of water and two ibuprofens. You're screwed now though; shoulda done that last night.

--Throwing up works. But yeah, it works better if you do that the night before, too.

--Milk thistle. It's a supplement. It supports your liver. Unlike you.

--Put the spice turmeric on some eggs.

--Pedialyte...for when you're feeling like a baby and you're in the midst of "unicorning." (That's when the magic comes out your top and your bottom.)

I didn't have the time to pull off some of these, because as you know, I was super busy building teeny-tiny parade floats.

But after an Irish coffee and a beer, I felt a zillion times better. And like my friends say, "As long as you wake up with a hangover and not the shakes, you'll be okay."

Yeah, I lack foresight.