I n a land far, far away, Luke Skywalker was like, "Dude, is it May 4 yet?"
Darth Vader, panting like a chain-smoking bulldog after he just rustled through Jabba the Hutt's slimy rolls for Princess Leia's gold slave getup, retorted, "Shut your fucking pieface, Luke."
(Vader likes to dress in drag on Sundays and Tauntaun fur on Mondays.)
Leia, looking a frazzled mess, chimed, "My hairballs are awry! Somebody text Anakin, stat."
What would family feud be without Han Solo and Chewbacca?
"What in the hell is Luke crying about?" said Han.
"Chewey, nobody gives a shit," Solo said.
Then Obi-Wan Kenobi, waving his damn lightsaber around like rave teen on Molly, screamed, "You guys are totally crushing my buzz."
Luke, let me help you out. May 4 is on Saturday. May the Fourth Be With You.
Good talk, kids.
"Join the conversation, I didn't."
Yoda, don't make me throw you across the room.
So May the Fourth Be With You, appropriately on May 4, is known as Star Wars Day.
The Deer Pile, 206 E. 13th Ave., Denver, starts the day out with a screening of the iconic flick at 2 p.m. The party spills into a big outdoor gig from 5-10 p.m. (behind City, O'City, which is right below Deer Pile).
What you need to know: Dress to caress. Or impress. Or express. Something like that. The annual shindig is a sci-fi costume party of all ages, so start getting crafty. (Like your mom's entire basement isn't packed with Star Wars garb.)
Here's what's on tap: Food and drink specials outside and local comedians discussing Star Wars. The music lineup includes Itchy-O ("a throbbing 32-piece band of masked chaos"), Babyshoe, Prismwaves, Mancub and Rumtum.
Bonus: Hang on to your wristband and join the cats for Revenge of the Fifth brunch specials at the vegetarian restaurant City, O' City then next morning.
Info: maythefourthdenver.com; 2-10 p.m.; $10-$15
Too many tragedies in Colorado music this past weekend:
--Legendary concert promoter Barry Fey committed suicide at 73 on Saturday.
--Boulder's lighting engineer for Leftover Salmon, Joe Cahill, got shot and killed in New Orleans on Sunday at age 40; memorial tonight at George's Food and Drink, 2028 14th St., Boulder, from 5 to 8 p.m.
--Veteran of Denver's Gothic Theater crew and local music supporter, Christ Haney, was shot to death in a Denny's parking lot in Denver Saturday after allegedly trying to break up a scuffle.
Tonight at 6 p.m. HaneyStock: A Chris Haney Memorial Show will be held at the Gothic Theater, 3263 S Broadway, Englewood. Drinks will be served, Moe's BBQ will provide food and Haney's favorite local bands will perform a tribute.
Entrance is free but a minimum $10 donation is suggested with all proceeds benefiting Haney's five-year-old daughter.