S o, you're off to the "real world."

No, not that "Real World" where body fluids fill up a hot tub and tears cry like my dog when I run to 7-Eleven for smokes. (I'll be back in five minutes, buddy.)

No, you're off to the real world where corporations eat your optimism, weekends turn into immediately dreading Mondays and creditors call you more than your lover.

It's fun. Welcome aboard.

Now that you are a big kid now, I'm going to give you five important tips for life after college.

1. Suck the boss' teat

Screw your anarchist attitude. If you want to climb the corporate ladder in America, tell your soul you'll get back to it in a couple years. You want to be Big Buff in the office, you need to start kissing the piggy's ass. Work your tail off. Show drive and ambition. Seek goals! (Calm down.)

Offer yourself up to mundane tasks. If you don't want to get laid off, you need to latch on to your boss' love handles, rub them up with some Icy Hot and massage them until you're tucked firmly under the rolls.

2. Easy on the debt


The day I paid off my student loan, I celebrated by throwing down a $200 bar tab, because, why not. On a credit card. Then I stopped paying that credit card and Mr. Asshole Credit likes to remind my voicemail four times a day. Next came medical bills, car payments, piled-up parking tickets, rising electric bills, vet bills and a poverty-level income.

Try your hardest to keep up with your payments. Then when you pay off your loan, call me and we'll rack up a huge bar tab on your credit card.

3. Don't surf porn at work

Especially when your computer faces the newsroom and the editor's pod can see you grunting it out to gigantic jugs. Those beads of sweat are gross.

Tip: When IT busts you, don't make up some horseshit that you accidentally clicked on a link. Then you accidentally watched said link for 27 minutes. Then you accidentally went to the bathroom to rub one out. Corporate firewalls are tough to get by. A clear history sweep won't cut it. Do it on your own time.

4. Don't bang work associates

With a 9-5er set up in your future, happy hour is going to become your new workplace lover.

However: Do not bang the help. You don't want to be known as the office (wo)man slut. You'll become the talk of the water cooler and people will start getting you drunk in hopes that you drop your pants again. Plus, you'll end up avoiding the 100 square-foot circumference around the person you played with. Awkward.

5. Put your diploma to work

Three years after graduation, you're back to serving at Applebee's or selling shoes at Nordstrom. Meanwhile your worthless diploma is scratching its beer gut and watching soap operas.

Sure, you want to set it on fire -- or wipe your bum with it (been there) -- but instead, get it some exercise by entering it in the Red Bull Paper Wings World Championship. Not sure what the purse is (if there even is one), but the activity will at least get your diploma in shape after those years of lethargy and waste.

Be careful, friends. It's a jungle out there. (And way worse than the one in your pants.) Grab Ralphie by the horns and make us proud.

Good talk.