It's that time of year where droves of prairie dogs thrust their cute little butts up in the air and cutoff jorts reign in all varieties (donned by all genus of human). That special time when we chase our noses down the turnpike after sneezing them off and when Madonna mirrors a two-bit hooker.

(It's so pretty out there.)

At the Billboard Awards, the singer wore a black bodysuit paired with thigh-high fishnets, garter belts, call-girl pumps -- and what's with the sunglasses? She wears her sunglasses inside, so she can, so she can... (Get outta here, Corey Hart.)

It wasn't the first time the material girl dropped her drawers this month (your fault, New York Met gala.)

Tell your crotch to bugger off, Madge, you're 54. It's frightening the prairie dogs.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

 

The Cooper household

Bradley Cooper lives with his mom?

So one must inquire, donde esta el room de boom boom? Across the mansion's estate? Does mom live in the pool house? Are their rooms at least an elevator ride away?

Nope.

Mother and son, in fact, reside in rooms next to each other, he revealed to Jay Leno:

"You know, where I'm from there's no choice really. I don't think it's weird. My dad died, and I come from an Italian neighborhood. I couldn't do it any other way, I wouldn't think of it."

Well shit. I was going to slap him with sarcasm, but that's just too cute. Mommy. Aw.

Get a room.

 

'Twilight' tragic


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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up again.

Don't care.

Dearest Robby, I think you deserve the wrath of her scowl for taking her back after she publicly cheated on you with a married dude.

Scratch that. You deserve lady narcissist for dating her in the first place.

Edge of your seat? I know. Stay tuned. Or don't. Instead, let's see if we can go find a whiskey shot playing basketball. That sounds like fun.

 

Pitt's lonely life

Friends. Who needs 'em?

Brad Pitt told Esquire magazine, "I have very few friends."

That's because you spend your days chasing down a gaggle of giggles and fishing your children out of pots of gold all day.

No sir. You have nannies that do that.

Well, as they say, only a few friends near and dear are needed to wipe your rear.* He's nearing the adult diaper stage, right? Matt Damon calls dibs.

*"They" = me.

 

Cheese curds and artifacts

Rumors (Perez Hilton) told me that Paula Deen is getting her own museum in her hometown of Albany, Ga.

The entrance fee: shotgunning a jar of mayonnaise.

Maybe there's a bar that serves drop shots of insulin in Canola oil. And maybe there's an in-house doctor who performs gastric bypasses every hour, on the hour.

Actually, the museum is just going to be dedicated to her lifetime achievements.

Boooring.