Email Alex at firstname.lastname@example.org .
T here are very few alcohol-less occasions where I've actually passed out.
Two, actually. And both taught me valuable lessons.
The first came at 7 years old at a festival in South Dakota. In the middle of summer, we'd spent the day indulging in funnel cakes and fair games -- ah, the days before beer -- when I spotted the face painting booth.
So I hop in an absurdly long line with my younger sister and wait.
Next thing I know, I'm on the ground.
Turns out, in sweltering heat, locking your legs is a poor choice.
Never did get my damn face painted.
Fast-forward 15 years to a Vegas hotel room. Oooooh yea ... Not. Ya nasties.
No locked legs. Just a full day driving, no sleep and hardly any water or food. And maybe some alcohol the night before.
Did you know dehydration can lead to light-headedness and, when combined with a steam-filled bathroom, fainting spells?
This girl does. I also know Vegas carpeting better than I'd wanted to.
The lessons, dear ones, are these: Water, good. Locked legs in heat, bad. Vegas floors, disgusting.
And with a weekend rife with physical exertion -- in bed? Brown chicken brown cow! -- and boozin', I share my embarrassment to ward off your own.
For example, at Boulder Creek Fest, be sure to bend your knees when waiting in line for face painting and/or drinks at the beer garden near the Boulder Public Library. If you're racing some rubber ducks during their main event, keep your drunkie friends from swimming along in the river.
Enjoy perusing the 500 vendors showing off everything from arts to technology. And with stages replete with great bands, remember to shake what yo mama gave ya.
From Friday to Sunday, the festival is your way to get some sun and public humiliation.
Now, according to the New York Times, the summer beer to imbibe is the saison. A huge fan myself, this light, fruit-filled, spice-tastic brewskie is summer perfection. Upslope Brewing (1501 Lee Hill Road, No. 20) just tapped into their limited batch of Blood Orange Saison on Wednesday. So I'd get those sexy asses over there and enjoy while it lasts.
Here's another memory-lane trip. Back in Fort Collins, I saw "Black Swan" for the first time lounging on a couch at the Lyric Theater downtown. The Portman/Kunis-in-bed scene -- as I sat squished between my roommate's boy and a random -- was ... interesting.
But I discovered how splendid off-the-beaten-path theaters are.
So I vote you enjoy one of Boulder's. The Boedecker Theater at The Dairy Center for the Arts (26th and Walnut St.) is showing a film rife with criminals and whiskey. "The Angels' Share" follows four men with community service orders as their lives take a turn, thanks to malt whiskies.
Thursday through Saturday, you can catch a showing and create your own awkward small-theater memories.
-- Follow Alex on Twitter: @ansieh.