Dear Christy,

So, you know those "arcade" things at porn shops? I don't know much about them, but I kind of want to check it out and see what it's all about. Do I just take money and watch porn?

-- Fascinated

 

Google 'Google':

So, you haven't read the recent literature on Google?

What a revelation!

Type: google.com, enter "adult arcades" and watch the information magic spray all over your face.

I'm not wizard of wisdom on this sort, aside from the laymen's knowledge: pop in a Susie B.*, watch porn and paint the booth pretty.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Unless you get turned on by marking your territory all over random dudes' DNA, why don't you porn all over your own accord, Honda Accord, what have you.

Alas, maybe envy is greener on the glory hole's side...

Google it yourself. The last thing I need is the IT dudes querying my work history. I don't need Trojan horses gangbang all up in my cache.

*Sacagawea. Susan B. Anthony was so 1999.

 

 

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend bitches about our problems to all of her friends. I get it, they're her friends. Plus, we get into some pretty nasty squabbles. But she's recently started talking shit about our fights to my friends. Not cool, right?

--Private


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In the bedroom:

A couple's chastity belts should be aired out in their own yard.

Often a couple is capable of duking it out on their own accord, while working on a conclusion together -- after screaming, crying, fuming and seeing red, obviously.

If you fight down and dirty, my Mom No. 2 (in-law) introduced a little gem called the Fair Fighting Rules. (Not like Husband and I ever fight. Get out of our pants, vultures.)

Print out the rules, sit at a table and let that list mad dog you until it soaks in like a wine buzz. Rules include, among others: take turns speaking, take time outs, no degrading language, no blaming, no yelling, no use of force, no talk of divorce (or impending breakup). No touching! (Oh, that's "Arrested Development.")

Get a third party to referee, if needed (but keep the heavy petting to a minimum -- this threesome is blocking progress' path). Most people have a confidant in a best friend, parent, sibling or phone sex operator -- which is fine. An outside opinion can help us see past stubbornness.

But (and that's a real big butt), she's dragging your name in the dirt to her friends and your friends. Tell her you don't appreciate it and that it's probably uncomfortable for your pals.

Try to figure out how to work things out in your own abode. Unless you're making us a sex tape, tell her nobody cares about your boudoir bothers.

Tip: Fight sober. Drunk fighting will get you nothing but a trip to detox. You already have a punch card there.