christy fantz
Christy Fantz

'H ey ya'll," said Britney Spears as she walked into a Starbucks, dragging her 2004 Uggs behind her. "I'll have a Trenta iced mocha frap, heavy on the whipped cream, chocolate, whole milk and extra corn syrup. Plus a tub of Cheetos and a rocky road brownie."

That'll be... let's see... 470 + 410 + 550...

That'll be 1,430 calories, ma'am. (Thanks iPhone calc. Numbers give me cold sweats and gas. I'm a wordsmith.)

Starbucks announced this week that various locations are beginning to post calorie counts on menu boards after the feds' mandated that food and beverage chains reveal this info to the likes of soccer MILFs in car seat-littered Bugattis.

Britney Spears likes to double-fist Starbucks.
Britney Spears likes to double-fist Starbucks. (Courtesy )

"I thought coffee was a vitamin," Spears said, smearing her processed cheese fingers all over her cutoff jorts. "I don't want to get fat like that one Kardashian."

(She was pregnant, Brit.)

Then Starbucks said, "You can substitute saccharin for sugar, damn hick. Then pair your cancer with a $24.99 Josh Groban album at the register. The best part of waking up, is corporate America in your cup."

(Curb and leash your children, moms. Actually, don't. We'll be at Ozo.)

Hey there, sailor

Remember Ed Hardy -- that retired cheesefuck tattoo artist who created a tacky T-shirt line?

(Swallow one roofie for fast, effective relief. Or as G.O.B. Bluth lovingly dubs them, Forget-Me-Nows.)

Eddie H. is blaming the company's downward spiral on Jon Gosselin.

Ha!

(Remember Jon Gosselin? Pop another Forget-Me-Now.)

"That Jon Gosselin thing was the nail in the coffin," Hardy said to the New York Post. "That's what tanked it. Macy's used to have a huge window display with Ed Hardy, and it filtered down and that's why Macy's dropped the brand."

It's possible. But it's a scientific fact that your T-shirts resemble Stewie Griffin's poopy diaper after he ate a Sailor Jerry label and a box of crayons.

Shhhheen

Charlie Sheen got Selma Blair booted from the FX sitcom "Anger Management" after an ongoing feud.

Sheen. Just shhh. Go back to sleep.

When I saw TMZ at the bar last night (wearing an Ed Hardy tee), it told me that Sheen threatened to leave the show if Blair wasn't fired.

So she did.

Word is, the 40-year-old actress was irked with Charlie's work ethic and constant tardiness.

Who handed Charlie the authority stick? (It's like a spirit stick, but stickier.) His ego is growing bigger than that runway on Tyra Banks' forehead.

Headline of the weak

"Does Baby Kimye Finally Have a Name?" on Yahoo! gossip site omg!

BUT WAIT.

"Related: Astrologist Explains What Kim and Kanye's Daughter Will Be Like."

While you're all lying in wait, I will be at the bar giving TMZ swirlies in the men's room.

I'll quell some anxiety: It'll begin with a "K."

A Hollywood bedbug told me Kanye wants to name the baby North. I'll be right back. I'm going to go punch a kitten gif.