Dear Christy,

My birthday is approaching and my boyfriend is totally downplaying it. I grew up with parents who spoiled me rotten on my birthday and I'm afraid he doesn't put as much stock into it. How do I make him realize this?

--It's my party, so I'll cry if I want to

 

Princess panties:

Patience, wee lassie.

Family tradition is the spice of life. We've got crazies, lazies and those coming up daisies. Looks like you got the gold gravy with your parents, princess.

I was also raised with complete adoration of whichever member of the seven-member Fantz flock was celebrating their day of birth. Mom always made the honoree's favorite meal (burritos for Senorita Fantzizo) paired with our favorite cake and ice cream. (Green mint chocolate chip. Go food dye.)

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

But many people view their holiday as trivial, ergo we can't blame the heathens for downplaying our rites of passage. We can just hope to be showered in love on our birth's anniversary, because the world is a better place with us in it. (What a pair of haughty bitches. High five.)

However, keep your pantalones intact because for all you know, your man has a fiesta in the works. So if the day rolls around and your man doesn't have plans other than his hands down his pants for his afternoon siesta, then cry like a pack of dingos and call Mommy. She probably already dropped off a cake with a puppy inside of it on your front stoop.

You could also plan your own birthday party (who doesn't like a party?) or just hit up Chuck E. Cheese's, where birthdays go to rage.

Ask that anthropomorphic rat to do a little dance for you. Sure it may reek of convicts and disgruntled employees, but wash those tears away with processed cheese pizza and a dip in the balls. (The ball pit. Not that man fingering his belly button.)

Regardless, if you want to feel special on your special day, you deserve it. If your dude doesn't concur, then maybe Queen B(day) deserves more.

Happy birthday, from Fantz in Your Pants. (Now hang this column on your wall and quit your bitching.)

 

Dear Christy,

My man likes to shave his legs because he's a cyclist. It kind of weirds me out seeing him in the shower with his leg up on the tub shaving. Am I just being stupid?

-- Not so smooth for me

 

Hairy:

Look, as much as you are freaked about your guy's Skintimate gams, he's equally as weirded out by those stray freakishly long chin hairs you're harboring.

At least he shaves his.

You know when you buy a brand-new razor with all the fancy mechanisms? And you splurge on shave gel instead of Barbasol men's shave cream for 99 cents? Then when you get under the clean sheets your legs feel as smooth as a sphynx's slippery skin?

Well use this opportunity to chafe up against your man's smooth legs like you're dry humping the washing machine.

Also, don't forget to ask him if he wants a tampon with his Chardonnay.