James Gandolfini's teenage son is slated to become either a wildly successful heir or a wild feral hare. (Maybe he'll just have wild hair. He is Italian.)

The 13-year-old dude just inherited the majority of the "Sopranos" star's reported $70 million estate. Holy cash, can that kid turn 18 so I can get on that? (Please. You thought the same thing.)

The poor boy, Michael, found his dad after he had a heart attack. Gandolfini's will, revealed Thursday, has the kid inheriting all "clothing and jewelry" (velour track suits and saint medallions on figaro chains), padre's NYC West Village condo and some property in Italy.

Michael, you have five years to chose your own adventure:

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

1. A life of licking blow off strippers' butt cheeks, eventually landing face-down in Manhattan's finest gutter

2. A life of licking beluga caviar off a solid-gold robot woman, while eventually landing on the cover of Forbes.

No pressure, buddy.


Royal pain in the arse

Speaking of useless heirs...

Gaggles of media outlets from all over the world have set up camp outside of the London hospital where Kate Middleton is expected to give birth. She's revealed she is due some time in July.

Sometime. It's July 4.

The paparazzo smells like Occupy. Damn hippies.


Happy birthday, Lindsay


Yahoo! wanted to help us relive Lindsay Lohan's 27 highest highs and lowest lows after turning 27 on Tuesday.

No thanks.

Rehab told me that her birthday party was catered by Hand Sanitizer and Nitrous Oxide.

It's Hollywood's nouveau cuisine. So trendy and low-cal.



Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger got hitched in the South of France Monday for a "black-tie fairytale." (Oh cliché, monsieur.)

It was also Canada Day. Is that like Nickelback Day?)

I hope she's pregnant with a goatee. Shit's getting stale.


Money? Psht.

Kim Kardashian and and Kanye West turned down $3 million from an Australian rag to publish photos of their baby North West.

"(Kanye) was serious when he said North isn't America's baby," a source told Us Weekly.

That's right, Kanye. North is West's baby and there's no southeast about it.

Three mil is just a week's groceries. No sweat off Kanye's lack of sack.



Ireland Basinger Baldwin's just mad about lavender. And lavender's mad about Kelly Osbourne. And Kelly Osbourne's mad about copycats. And copycats are mad about me.

I call them pussy willows. (Quite rightly.)

(Get outta here, Donovan!)

The Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger hybrid told People that she wants to dye her hair that pastel shade of purple's soul.

(You look like a blueberry!)

Lavender-doused heads look like a pigeon pooped on a Q-Tip. Don't do it broad.


Fire the party planner

Ben Affleck and wifey Jennifer Garner had a raging party in West Virginia where they baptized their wee little boy and celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary all in one weekend.

Back in the high life again.

We're jealous.