christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend never tells me when I have lipstick on my teeth. When I met his parents, I went the whole meal with lipstick on my front teeth and nobody told me! Isn't it common courtesy to tell people this kind of stuff?

--Painted lady


Clown face:

Yes. It is common courtesy, people.

We're living in a society.

Tell us when we have spinach in our teeth. Tell us when our chiclets are fudged up. Tell us when we have peppercorn dotting our grill.

Tell us.

The only person prone to embarrassment is we, the lipstick-ees. Like when your fly is open. Or when you eat shit walking on ice in Chucks. You're embarrassed. We're laughing.

I tend to have lipstick on my teeth quite often. This matte Brilliant Bordeaux stuff I shovel nine bucks over to Revlon twice a month not only glosses my pearlies (more like yellowies from tar and nicotine) on occasion, but also requires steel wool to remove.

But that's not your problem.

Husband's job as spot-check tells me where to swipe. (Although it's usually, "You have lipstick all over your teeth." "Where?" I inquire. "All over." Thanks, Husband.)

When he's not around I turn to this neat discovery I find in a looking glass.

When mirrors aren't around, the iPhone works. When the iPhone's not around, ask a nearby human. If you're self-conscious, then just give your teeth a preemptive rub down.


FYI, you have a pube caught in your fangs.

You're welcome.


Dear Christy,

I'm getting married next month and one of my bridesmaids is constantly talking about how she is going to get wasted and hook up with a bunch of dudes at the wedding. I'm afraid she's going to ruin my day. What should I do?

--Fearful bride



It's your day. Tell your bridesmaid to piss off and to put on her grown-up pants (i.e., hideous rag that you made her pay $400 for and said, "you can totally wear it again." No she can't. Unless it's Halloween. Damn liar).

I digress.

This isn't "Wedding Crashers." Bridesmaids job description reads: unbridled support for the bride. Tell her that her constant drivel is making you nervous about the big day. Be honest with her -- she's a bridesmaid for a reason. (Unless she's on the "required" list -- the "if I exclude her, she'll never STFU" list.)

Of course weddings are the season to drink free booze and for strangers to hug genitals and part forever ways after an awkward continental hotel breakfast. (Until you find out it's the new guy at work on Monday. Whoopsie.)

Note to bridesmaids: A fondue face-plant takes the sexy out of swagger. That dude you were making eyes at is laughing at you with his hands on a fella bridesmaid's tramp stamp.

If your bridesmaid doesn't want to comply, then tell her to get bent.* It's your damn day and she's totally disposable.

*Different choice of phrase, perhaps.