Hey! All the single ladies. George Clooney’s available.
Hey! All the single ladies. George Clooney's available. (Associated Press)

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler broke up after a two-year courtship. (You're a courtship.)

Yeah, yeah. Serial dater.

I like to think of Georgie Porgie as a Fairy Godmother.

He mixes salt 'n' pepper, a warthog and Matt Damon in a cauldron, stirs it clockwise 69 times while chanting, "Angelina Jolie is a deity!" This morphs cocktail waitresses into runway-ready "aspiring actresses."

Then he dumps them. Then they fail miserably on "Dancing With the Stars," subsequently falling back into the cracks of ordinary society where assholes like us snack on Ramen and wipe our bums with toilet paper we stole from the bar.

I'm pretty sure that's how it goes.

 

That crazy one

Aaaaand. Amanda Bynes will be single forever.
Aaaaand. Amanda Bynes will be single forever. (Associated Press)

In the latest of Amanda Bynes tweet-vom, the broad wrote "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!"

Someone stitch that bitch shut already. Damn narcissistic nymph.

The former actress appeared in court Tuesday for her alleged bong-tossing incident, where she claimed that an officer assaulted her by slapping her vagina.

I think that's the adult version of Ring Around the Rosie.

At least she felt the caress of a man's touch.

Ahem. That's assault, brother. (Alleged.)

 

Nicki knows best

Nicki Minaj told Marie Claire (that rag's still around? Props) that men love independent woman.

"You don't have to be a bitch, but there's nothing wrong with it at times. And: Men are kids at heart. They want to be nourished and pet like a dog."

Such wise wisdom from a broad who rolls around in Technicolor vomit before she slips into her transvestite shoes.

 

Tragedy!

Mariah Carey was hospitalized after filming a video with Jeezy, directed by her husband Nick Cannon. (I'd rather pumice Paula Deen's feet while listening to a jam band.)

She's fine. She dislocated her shoulder.

She was trying to squeeze her childbearing hips into an infant onsie when she tripped over her husband's Dumbo ears.

Nicki Minaj is single. But good luck with that.
Nicki Minaj is single. But good luck with that. (Associated Press)

 

The other Bobbi Brown

Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown is engaged to her brother.

Well.

Houston informally adopted Nick Gordon when he was 12. And now he's engaged to lil gap-toothed Bobbi. (I love gap tooths. Don't brace the face!)

Everybody is all pissy and such, which is making her all pissy and such, which is making me all itchy and such.

"Yes, me and Nick are engaged. I'm tired of hearing people say, 'Eww you're engaged to your brother' or 'If Whitney was still alive, would we be together or would she approve of this?'" she wrote on her Facebook page. "Let me clear up something, we aren't even real brother and sister, nor is he my adoptive brother."

First of all, it's Nick and I are engaged. Basic grammar, kid. Secondly, you're 20. You'll be divorced by age 24, so this is all moot.

Good talk.