According to Yahoo! gossip site omg!, "Lindsay Lohan Leaves Rehab With a Big Smile."

Smile? Nah. I thought she'd leave with a Victoria Beckham face -- like she's sucking a lemon while trying to squeeze out a turd.

The real world isn't filled with candor and ease, dear. It's filled with hash candy, Kentucky Deluxe* and overstuffed spliffs. (Party!)

She left the posh Betty Ford Center and Malibu's Cliffside Tuesday after 90 days of treatment. She's on her way to a sober living facility to transition back into the wretched loins of Hollywood's granny panties. (Hand Courtney Love this dollar for me. Girl needs to eat a burrito.)

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Lohan's future agenda includes an exclusive interview with Oprah (to air sometime in August), and she'll be a guest host on "Chelsea Lately" Monday night. (Chelsea, be Chelsea. If you hold back, I'll shove Chuy where your thong rides.)

According to People mag, the judge has ordered more therapy for the troubled star to avoid "almost certain failure."

While I'm popping the popcorn, let's watch as Lohan straps herself to a cocaine rocket and flies it to Jim Beam's house where the benzos flow like bourbon and Adderall sprouts ahead of the artichokes and the arugula. (Beam keeps his garden alphabetized.)

*When is Mr. Deluxe gonna start sponsoring me? Come on.


Osbourne's getting hitched


That lavender pigeon shit-coifed Kelly Osbourne got engaged in December and is just confirming it now. She's marrying her boyfriend Matthew Mosshart, a vegan chef.

"I realized very quickly that, in Hollywood, people don't realize that you get married for love. They think that you get married for attention," she said on "The Talk" with her momma Sharon.

Aw. Ozzy peppered in some morals with those bat-guano soufflés.

"I don't want to do a reality show. I've already done that," she continued. "Every morning we wake up to another email; it's like, 'an offer you cannot refuse.'"

Um. You're on a reality show, moron. Unless you call "Fashion Police" a docu-drama.

You would.


Lifestyles of the rich and heinous

The real blah blah blah blah blah blah wife/husband team Teresa and Giuseppe Giudice got hit with 39-counts of fraud for various money-hiding-and-lying techniques.

I've never watched any "Real Housewives," but I always thought that Teresa broad was a dude.

Ah, so it goes: rich assholes lie to become richer assholes while us poor assholes almost get evicted monthly.

After you throw these guidos in jail, pass me one of their salt shakers so I can pawn it off for two months' rent.


Speaking of dudes...

The knocked-up Fergie had a "gayby" shower Sunday.

I guess it was just a baby shower with a bunch of Hollywood's A-list gay boys from the likes of Adam Lambert, Perez Hilton and Lance Bass.

Her dress was pretty short. I hope she secured her gigantic dong beforehand.


'Little porn star'

That kid Adam Brody from "The O.C." is playing a porn star in the upcoming flick "Lovelace."

He told People mag that his friends and family are "pumped" that he's playing Harry Reems, the porn star of 1972's "Deep Throat."

"They're excited -- my parents, particularly, which is sort of perverse, but great. They're proud of their little porn star."

Boy that's awkward.

I wonder if they'll rub one out to the flick?

Well I just took that and ran complete inappropriate.

He started it.