christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My 19th birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to ask my father for. One on hand, I really want a Lexus, but on the other hand I really want a snake-skin Gucci purse with matching shoes that I saw Khloe wear on the Kardashians last night. Practical or fashionable, it's so hard to decide!

--Stuck between a rock and a Gucci place

 

L'enfant terrible:

Oh, the throes life throws.

I want money to pay my rent after a creditor (in search of the dinosaur laptop I got back when Google got her first period) garnished my wages this summer.

I want my electric bill to be less than $200-plus each month. I want to buy Powers whiskey instead of a $12.99 handle of Kentucky Deluxe. I want creditors to quit harassing me because my medical bills hauled ass to collections. I want to be able to renew my car's tags for $78 by the end of August so I don't get a ticket.

I want a savings account so I can get internet back at my house to spice up my six-channel viewing options (brought to me by my pal Rabbit Ears). I want to quit pinching groceries from my mom's pantry.

I want a car with a working electrical system -- so when anyone else drives it, they don't have to sit on a half a dozen Tolstoy novels to reach the pedals.

I want a honeymoon and I want it NOW!

But don't cry for me, princess. I swim in a sea of life's love -- when I'm not swigging purse whiskey in the welfare line.

The unprivileged learn to love the trivial in life. (Like when Husband lacked funds on my birthday, he returned from a neighborhood covert-op with a fistful of fresh wildflowers.)

It's the little things, sugar. I hope one day you can see them too.

Or you can ask for the fancy Gucci purse, so when I see you at the bar I can whap you in the face with it.

I'm kidding. Take the car, moron. Why are you even asking?

 

Dear Christy,

This recent Los Angeles ruling that porn stars have to wear condoms from now on is killing my drive. I know it's for safety purposes, but it's not that sexy when a guy has to wrap it up in the heat of the moment.

-- Deflated Jimmy

 

STD:

What goes together better than herpes with a side of oozing chlamydia?

Ding, ding, ding! Scabs with a side of discharge. (Gross.)

Sorry this new law is killing your libido, pal.

However, lives, humiliation and constant itching will be eliminated from the Los Angeles porn industry's hairless privates.

If you still can't wrap those legs around the sex drive, then just relax -- it's only in Los Angeles.

Now you can go load up some Louisiana-style porn, where condoms are used to make "Duck Dynasty" balloons. At least there they don't have to wrap their cargo (but now your eyeballs need a Hazmat team).

Good talk.