While you're bent over in those high-waisted pants, '90s boy bands are shitting singles, Arsenio Hall is making a comeback on the talk-show circuit and Sinéad O'Connor just got two new face tattoos.
It's like a goddamned Miley Cyrus wrecking ball out there. (If the wrecking ball had a hi-top fade.)
And I thought I woke up fake shitfaced in Milli Vanilli's faux bed.
Girl, you know it's true.
No, Rob and Fab. I don't. But I swear that orgasm was "real."
So some '90s celebrities are trying to worm their way into recent news. Lucky for you pals, since you were just a wee lil' shit in Huggies, the '90s is now rearing its Big Head Todd so we all can have a sip of the red, red wine.
So, hop on those rollerblades and page me. (I wanna shoop, baby.)
Check out these '90s icons trying to ride the millennials' new Saturns like Ginuine's pony.
Jenny McCarthy, a new co-host of "The View," said that her new lover Donnie Wahlberg is "nothing short of awesome" with her 11-year-old son.
However, Ms. '90s Sex Machine, did you know you're dating a New Kid on the Block?
And heavens to Betsy, he was probably vaccinated. What a dick.
Since '90s basketball icon Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un are busy braiding each other's hair and changing each other's tampons, I say we ship Vanilla Ice over to Syria so he can start making friendship bracelets with Bashar Assad.
Well, Rodman and the 'un are apparently so tight that he's resorted to name-dropping the North Korean leader's baby's name.
He and "awesome guy" are apparently tearing shit up in Pyonyang like it's three-peat p.m. (C+C Music Factory soundtrack in the background, obviously. Donde esta el Scottie Pippen?)
Nothing like raging in an impoverished reclusive hardline communist dynasty.
"The Marshal Kim and I had a relaxing time by the sea with his family," Rodman told The Guardian. "I held their baby Ju-ae and spoke with Ms. Ri [Sol-Ju, Kim's wife] as well. He's a good dad and has a beautiful family. Kim told me, 'I'll see you in December.'"
Somebody fax him a Mario Kart trophy because he's special.
Woot, woot, woot
So, Arsenio Hall is back on the air.
Congratulations! Chimed the trio of grandmas who still watch network television.
Is it roo, roo, roo? (Picture an exclamation point fist pumping.) Or, woo, woo, woo? Woot, woot, woot?
Thank you, Fox, for bringing back the moron who began that blasted expression 20 years ago.
The man is back after a 20-years hiatus and premiered his show with guests like Paula Abdul and Ice Cube — who claimed Tuesday night he's going straight-up "gangsta" on his new album. (Says the "Are We There Yet?" actor.)
Yahoo!'s omg! said the show "will feature a mix of comedy, music, and celebrity guests, bringing a fresh new perspective to the late-night scene."
And by "fresh perspective" they clearly mean DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Get back to your pension, Arsenio, Fallon's on.
Her heart will go on
Celine Dion told Ellen DeGeneres that she has around 3,000 pairs of shoes, that she can remember — all housed in her closet that's the size of your parents' house + Kim Kardashian's ass put together.
Don't be jealous, she's the one banging a geriatric with a broad's name.
Yo, man, let's get outta here. The '90s are scaring us. Word to your mother.
Back to life, back to reality...
When a TMZ photog snagged a video of Lamar Odom eating sushi in Los Angeles (so that's what the crack whores are calling it these days?) and asked him if he has a drug problem, he said, "Nah, I'm good."
No, Lamar. They didn't ask if you wanted more water, they want to know if you're still smoking crack.