Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Look at Miss America all fancy. She does Bollywood fusion dances, looks pretty and can save the world and shit.

Or whatever it is they do. (Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist. Show your teeth, bitch!)

Denver's famed Colfax Avenue is aiming to flip that stereotype right on its taint Saturday night with the Miss Colfax Pageant.

 

If you are one of those unfortunate ones who is not familiar with the Colfax track, lend an ear. Eye. Face.

(I wish I could publish the photo a friend sent me of a transexual passed out in a shop's doorway on Colfax with his nuts hanging out of his skirt. But we're only rated R over here.)

Among a mix of hipsters, hookers, Guardian Angels with red berets, dudes with National Geography ear and face gauges and a sizable homeless population that almost rivals fixed-gear bicycles — are you and I, on our way to dive bars in search of cheap shots and a swift alley bang.

I mean...

The pageant is a jab at American beauty contests. Instead of impressing America with twerking and Syria knowledge, these Colfax broads are going to be answering odd questions as well as filling out the talent portion of the evening by chugging beer, telling jokes and maybe chain smoking. The evening will be topped off with the winner in a Burger King tiara.


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Dammit. If I weren't knocked up, I'd blow the competition out of the PBR and piss-filled gutters with a pint-slamming throat like this. (Shh. We're R, kids. Not NC-17.)

The pageant will be held at Tooey's on Colfax, 1521 Marion St., hosted by Denver personality Sid Pink and Lorin Partridge. There will be live music by Denver jazz group Minor Note Orchestra — who always has burlesque gals on hand to spice up the night.

Got the chops? Apply at colfax.me. And watch your dirty back, Miss Colfax 2014. I'll be there with vengeance and a seasoned liver.

Info: Saturay at 8 p.m.; 21+; colfax.me; $3

 

 

Ahoy, ye landlubbers

So you missed International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

You would.

Fret not, mateys, the Sept. 19 tradition, started by two dudes who just thought it would be a good idea to devote a day to talk like pirates, can be carried on to this weekend. Says me.

Throw on your eye patch, your wench dress and your Jack Sparrow garb, head to Denver and start spouting out shit like you're a bunch of drunken seamen. (Just don't spray the semen.)

Go to any bar, really, and act a fool, but if you're of the self-conscious sort, head to Scruffy Murphy's, 2030 Larimer St. Denver (303-291-6992). Swig some whiskey and a PB ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH tall boy. You won't be judged. Scruffy himself is a dirty pirate drunk. Of sorts.

 

 

Going to prom

If we went to high school in the '80s, we'd totally be king and queen of the ball.

We know far more about fashion than those kids did back in the day, and our material would be twice the girl Madonna ever was. (Fine, she was the queen.)

Head to Fado Irish Pub, 1735 19th St., Denver (303-297-0066), tonight for '80s Prom at 9 p.m.

Denver's That Eighties Band will rock the Irish joint out with some, yup, '80s tunes, while a king and queen will be crowned for best costumes.

Be a moron and mix your pirate outfit with your '80s garb and maybe if you look extra stupid, people will buy you drinks.

It's almost Halloween! Tis the season to look like assholes, fa la la la la la la la la.

Contact Christy Fantz at 303-473-1107 or fantz@coloradodaily.com