As most people could tell you, I have the strength of a feisty kitten and the coordination of a broken weeble-wobble toy.
Try as I might, I can't seem to fix either, no matter how many lady push-ups I do or "runs"/casual strolls I go on.
So I've learned to cope with my weeny arm strength and tackle my fear of flat surfaces while walking. My friends know to keep their distance in general, I'm not allowed to wear too high of heels and I'm a worthless helper whilst moving.
(In my defense, sidewalks do have cracks, stairs are tricky f***ers and women shouldn't have to carry mattresses. If we have to have periods and deal with male "logic," heavy lifting should be left to the testosterone-filled.)
But I know, yet again, I'm the rarity. Which is the nice way to put it. And all you burly folk can handle the hard stuff. Oooooh yea.
So I've got a challenge for you.
Hold a beer in front of you for as long as you can.
No, not drinking it isn't the challenge ... necessarily.
In honor of the glorious Oktoberfest tradition, our own Bohemian Biergarten (2017 13th St.) is putting you to the test.
Men, hold a stein of a liter of beer straight out in front of you. Ladies, half a liter. Line five folks up and see how long they last.
Losers get the beer. Winners get that and the glass. Oh, and a ticket to the finals on the weekend of Oct. 26, where the top 12 ladies and 12 gents will face off to compete for the granddaddy of prizes.
First place? A ticket to Prague. Hell yea. Second will get you a pass to Eldora and the third a gift card to the Biergarten.
For the next four weeks, on Friday and Saturday nights, head over for the chance to compete.
Plus, they've got roasted pig and tons of special beers on tap for the occasion, so it's all-around a quality idea to head over.
Oh, and if you go this Saturday, they'll have 'Electrique Carrousel performing from 10 p.m. to midnight.
And for more Oktoberfest-filled delights, head to FATE Brewing (1600 38th St.).
They've launched three beers for the occasion, and are ready to put you in your happy beer place for as long as your wallets hold out.
The brewskies involved: FATE Oktoberfest, Doppelbock and Eisbock. Yes, the last one is a 12-percenter. Watch out.
But before your livers quit in protest and attempt to ditch you altogether, allow me to make a cinematic suggestion.
The Dairy Center for the Arts (2590 Walnut St.) has a sa-weet sounding documentary running: "Terms and Conditions May Apply." It's about those pesky pop-ups that ask you if you agree with the new contract sites have for you.
"Sure, you bet," we all say, probably signing away our first-born child and a free round on the house each time.
Nerdy? Perhaps. But, well, that's how I like it. You can get tickets at thedairy.org. The film's running Thursday through Sunday.
More, you say? More?? Harder?! Wait ...
If you want to get your face all puckered up (and have it stay that way), you best get to buying your tickets for Avery Brewing's 2nd Annual Boulder IPA Fest. The fun's on Nov. 9 (I best see you frantically updating your calendars ...) and you can get those tix at boulderipafest.eventbrite.com.
You're a go-getter, eh? Unsatisfied with those mass-produced beers and into making your own. Well fine. Twisted Pine Brewing's hosting their Brew-U at 1 p.m. on Saturday. It's pricey - $90 - but full of quality info from the owner of Twisted Pine on brewing basics, yeast/fermentation effects, style guidelines, etc. I'm a simple bear, so I'll just stick to drinking it.
The Boulder History Museum (2205 Broadway) has rescheduled their brewery founders panel and happy hour for this Thursday at 6 p.m. $10 to hear from the brains behind Boulder Beer, Left Hand and Twisted Pine. And a drink, of course. Half of the proceeds are off to the Foothills Flood Relief Fund.
Feeling fancy? Yea, me neither. But should you decide to shave your legs and/or iron a shirt out, the Boulder Chophouse and Tavern (921 Walnut St.) is inviting you to an extended happy hour and live music. The David Miller Duo will play as you enjoy $4 wine, $3.25 Chophouse brews and $5 cocktails. Oh, and a $10 prime rib and mashed potatoes plate. Yummmm. A portion of those proceeds will head to the Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Non-Violence.
And, because it's never too early to get your ass in gear and plan for the future, here's a quick note for a serious-type deal. Impact Hub (1877 Broadway, Suite 100) is hosting a discussion on how to build up your career Thursday at 4 p.m. Only $10 for students, and an hour spent thinking about days post-beer pong.
Follow Alex on Twitter: @ansieh