Taylor Swift just got a new cat. Her name is Meredith. They Skype when Swift is on tour. Allegedly. (Associated Press)

Taylor Swift can't get laid.

What's the time? Cat:15.

Ante meridiem, of course. I see Swift as a morning person.

The singer tweeted a picture of her new cat, Meredith.

(It tickles my fancy when animals are given human names. I met this sheepdog named Larry. He was totally a Larry.)

Meredith joins another cat and two dogs in Chateau Swift. (I peg Mer as the town slut.)

Ah, sweet Swift. The desire to accumulate cats could subside if you halt detailing sexcapades* via country song.

You're a devious lil' lassie. Smack-singing about over-the-blouse fondle sessions with Jake Gyllenhaal is so Kanye.

*She doesn't have sex, silly.

Auction

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz
rot

John Lennon's rotten molar sold for $31,700 at an auction.

Gross.

The dentist who bought it, Michael Zuk, said: "Most people would say I was crazy, but I think it's fantastic."

Don't flatter yourself. You're a dolt.

I'm a-peein', European

The MTV European Music Awards Sunday night gathered a slew of hay-listers, grazing at the aluminum silo of Papa Fame.

The outfits made me want to go No. 1. (It was probably just the water.)

The conglomeration of odd genres made me want a drink. (It was probably just the water.)

I ought to punch Katy Perry and Lady Gaga's wardrobes in the jugs.

David Hasselhoff. Selena Gomez. Chris Martin. (Whose outfit was clearly summoning the Bieb.) Oh My G, Bieber's leather jacket like, totally matched his high-tops.

And then we have Jared Leto. A skirt over track pants? You would.

Ah, Leto, you're such a classic recipe. It's like you wiped Britpop's ass with Jordan Catalano.*

Ready. Set. Thirty Seconds to Mars.

*His character in "My So-Called Life"

Osbourne hospitalized

Kelly Osbourne was in a Miami hospital over the weekend with a head injury.

Easy now, she's OK.

Although details of what happened weren't discussed, I'll keep my allegations shut today.

"Long story short, I cracked my head open then kept passing out," she said.

Sounds like a Thursday in the newsroom.

Tweet of the week

"Let's be clear. I love hip hop and I write my own rhymes. Hi haters," Justin Bieber.

Hi Bieb. How are things?

Skype me.