christy fantz
Christy Fantz

D ear Christy,

A lot of people write to you about their weird fetishes. What if I have no fetishes and I just like straight-up missionary? Do I have to have a fetish to posses a stronghold in the sex department?

-- Plain Joe

 

Homely:

What is this, Homeland Security?

For starters, stop said stronghold speak. You sound like Syria's Bashar Assad.

There's a clear distinction between the dear sweets who spill their fetish guts to me, as opposed to the traditionalists. Traditionalists want advice, while fetish fatales like to be bitchslapped around. I like to bitchslap people around in hopes that my mug (glued to pink construction paper) will land in the middle of a gangbang, making me famous.

There's nothing wrong with tapping tradition. The world is full of vanilla. Vanilla is delicious. Especially when it has other shit in it that's not so vanilla-y.

Losing my point here.

As long as you can please the partner, feel free to lay there and shoot geysers (while she attempts to salvage any last remnants of a dusty orgasm).

Talk to your partner. If he/she is satisfied with missionary, then stuff your suppressed fetishes in a sack, mister.

As for a stronghold in the sex department, I have bad news. You haven't even made past the revolving door yet.

Keep patiently waiting in the rump of the line and when your number is called, beg your caseworker to give you a window office in said sex department.

She'll say no, but, eh, what are you gonna do.

Good talk.

 

Dear Christy,

I started dating this girl who is A-plus in every single way... except for her voice. It's terrible. It's like she has helium in her lungs. It's this high-pitched voice that is embarrassing in public. Will I ever get over it?

--Ear plugs

 

Ear muff:

Gag the broad.

I mean.

In the bedroom. Like the fetish way.

Don't really gag her, you assbag.

Aside from yours truly, there is not one person in the wide world of sports (and such) who has traits loved by all. Whether it be a dead tooth, manboobs, sharting or a sloppy eater, we all have something that doesn't please the masses.

As a wise man once said via rap song: "I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank, but lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like poo (oo-ooo)."

You probably have something about you that grates her. Wear a bikini in the shower? Foot fungus? Man thongs?

Your shit does stank, buddy. We can smell it from here.

If you think you can handle what sounds like Joey Lauren Adams ate Ray Romano, then suck it up and deal with it. If you like her, you'll find a way to get past this tick.

Or there's always ear plugs.

I do feel your pain. As much as I would like to screech past episode three on season one of "East Bound and Down," I just can't. That Katy Mixon broad's voice makes me want to chuck my flatscreen at a hobo.