Avril Lavigne, who clearly doubles as Skrillex, promises us a "badass" wedding dress when she gets hitched to Nickelback's Chad Kroeger.
HOW HAVE I NOT WRITTEN ABOUT THIS YET?
I know. I got married and shit. (Shit = busy.)
Then this once-timely celebrity gossip fell by the over-Facebook-ification wayside.
But alas, some opportune news popped up (her clothing line's runway stint at New York's Fashion Week), so I'm pouncing on this fine occasion to say: Oh, Canada.
You see, I really don't care. Not for one of 'em.
Avril, 27, whose "rebellion" came via a random blurb she skimmed over in Skateboarder Magazine. Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? (I would quote her lyrics.)
Then there's the 37-year-old Mr. Kroeger. This is how you remind me (I would quote his lyrics), Chad: As a Bronie.
A Bronie who sits naked on said Ponies.
Bear with me.
I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another that Chad walks around naked. Friends, it's even a mystery to him on how that Pony ended up in his bum cavity.
All hearsay. And by hearsay, I mean, I made it up.
Alternative metal. Making le femme mullets wet since 1995.
Pieces of Sheen
Got that Ashlee Simpson song stuck in your head, now?
Charlie Sheen's exes were spotted together on a playdate with his four spawn.
The actor's former spouses, Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller, were reportedly in Budweiser string bikinis riding an Airstream trailer like a greasy mechanical bull.
Then it started raining Kid Rock, hot dogs and pork rinds.
Oh my stars, is that David Spade?
Only thing missing is a confederate flag.
Maybe Mitt Romney can bring one.
Old lady boobs
What was the big news Tuesday? The 11th anniversary of 9/11.
NBC's "Today" show honored the tragedy with guest star Kris Jenner talking about her breast augmentation.
Nearly every news show aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m., but that was just around the segment where Mrs. Kardashian mom was detailing how to bag the sag with a dishrag.
Whatever that means.
Facebook is not a news source
Morgan Freeman is not dead!
People. If you get your news from Facebook, just do mama a sexy favor and look into it a wee harder. (That's what she said.)
You're like my husband. He opens the fridge and stands there, blankly staring: "Christy, I can't find the garlic."
Husband, take a look around for three minutes. If you still can't find it, I'll get off my ass and help.
This will be a good principle for you guys to follow.
If you learn a celebrity died via Facebook, search around news outlets for three minutes. If you still can't find it, I'll get off my ass and hit you with my bladder of wine.
Cruisin' for a bruisin'
Know what I did Tuesday?
Well, besides write this column and close down the bar, I said a prayer to the gods of L. Ron Hubbard for Suri Cruise.
Maybe it was Old Mother Hubbard.
It was the famous lassie's first day of school.
I think dad Tom rode Suri in on John Travolta's bushy back.
News at its finest.