christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Oh boy. Kanye West has a sex tape. (Times two.)

And it was leaked. (Times twice.)

I say he leaked it. (Twice.)

Look, the man's got Drake all up in his tough-guy grill (a grill that's adorned with Shrinky Dinks and princess jewels), and now that Korean rapper PSY is stealing his horse thunder by riding around all "Gangnam Style."

Mr. West (don't confuse him with Adam West, as Kanye's the furthest cat from Batman) can't stand falling out of the spotlight. At a chance to suck on TMZ's monster man teat, my guess is Kanye leaked it himself.

Alas, apparently his legal team is adamant it was stolen and is threatening action to anyone who releases the two separate tapes -- apparently containing footage of West boning an alleged Kim Kardashian look-alike (they were shot from the recent past, juicy).

His lawyer said the footage and images "were illegally obtained and believed to have been stolen from Mr. West's computer. Posting, advertising, marketing, displaying and otherwise disseminating the stolen screen shot and or other materials or tape are actionable violations of Mr. West's rights of privacy and publicity."

Superstar rule No. 1, dipshits -- unless you're going to forego digital and record sex acts with a behemoth VHS recorder and lock it up in a foolproof safe -- when a celebrity sex tape is made, it's free game.

Bad fish

One fish, two fish, bad fish, blew fish.

Just like two foul fishies in a soiled retention pond, Amanda Bynes is charting dangerous waters towards Lindsay Lohan's highest of seas.

Bynes made a move from Los Angeles to New York to "start her fashion line," a source told "E! News," and possibly evade court appearances.

Plus, she can't drive. Los Angeles isn't quite conducive to a DUI (bunched with a speeding ticket, two hit-and-runs and a driving without headlights on) with its lack of decent public transit, so it was off to New York -- where ex-child stars flow like Macaulay Culkin's anti-depressants -- for the "retired" actress.

The judge urged the actress to appear in court in Los Angeles Monday, but she decided to bail to the opposite coast.

Stay tuned. I'm sure drug-filled pornography is on tap.

Aw, sparky

I love Chevy Chase, but word on the street is, he's a big dick in real life.

(I'm not sure if he actually has a large one, you'll have to ask the men's room.)

The only firsthand word on the street yours truly has heard is from a bartender at Fado in Denver who served Mr. Chase during the DNC in 2008, who said he was not the most pleasant.

But other than random interviews and musings from the gossip world, this fan right here can't judge.

Why? Because he's Clark fucking Griswold. Clark Griswold, people!

Panties are all sorts of bunched because in an interview with Huffington Post UK, Chevy talked shit about "Community."

When asked why he did the TV series after a long movie career, he said "it was a big mistake."

"The hours are hideous, and it's still a sitcom on television, which is probably the lowest form of television. That's my feeling about it. I think the reason I have stuck around is because I love these kids, the cast -- they are very good. It's not like I am working with the great innovators of all time, but at the same time, they are my friends."