jeanine fritz

I remember being a little third-grade-style girl and asking Mom to sew a Halloween costume based on what I wanted to be when I grew up: "A princess, a firefighter, or -- oooh YES -- a fire-fighting princess with a squirrel tail!" Mom nodded, made her way into the sewing room and came out minutes later with the Ewok costume she'd sewn for my brother two years previously, saying, "If we take off the suede headpiece and put a big bow around your neck, you can be a teddy bear."

I didn't know how to curse until closer to 10, but I felt the evil rise inside.

Last week I was in the throes of another serious Halloween-related pout. "Oh, wah, I don't have a costume for Halloween," I whined as the tiniest violin started playing. "I'm just going to cut eyeholes in a pillow case and be a slutty ghost."

Well, now this idiot's swung the other direction and has FOUR costumes. Apparently being dressed as a teddy bear against my will once many years ago means indulging my every whim now.

So Halloween week, as you're wandering the bars on Tuesday in normal clothes because it's TUESDAY, look for a Godzilla, a dreadlocked surfer being eaten by a shark, a killer whale or the leg lamp from "A Christmas Story" because I will NOT be wearing normal clothes. Four costumes means the second one of them arrives in the mail, I'm going to put it on. Probably right there in the post office. And I'll be rotating through the lot of them until the morning of Nov. 1 when I wash myself and go to work dressed as a pilgrim.


But some of you out there still aren't ready, and I feel your pain so here are some costume suggestions. I've added sluttish modifications in parentheses.

Airport Security: Grab your naviest shirt and pants, pop on some badges and grab yourself some rubber gloves because you're gonna be feeling folks up all night, checking for bottles of shampoo over three ounces and saying, "All baggage is subject to search at any time, baby." Don't forget bail money because you're probably getting arrested. (Slut this costume up by skipping pants and doubling your bail allowance.)

Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo: Grab your brownest muumuu, stuff it with pillows and tie it off under the neck, the waist and the knees before donning a Santa Hat and white gloves. Don't forget to give chocolate pudding kisses to everyone you meet. (Slut it up with a merkin.)

Historical Figure: Years ago, a Halloween miracle occurred: a pretty girl decided to be Gaddafi instead of a slutty cat/witch/milkmaid. She put on the funky hat, Gaddaffi-style shades, and button-down shirt, wrapped a blanket over her shoulder and drew on an impressively scraggly goatee worthy of the one-time Libyan leader before making a beeline for the beer. Heroic. Being an historical figure shows you've been near a book at some point in your life or you're willing to use Google. (Slut it up by wearing historical underwear on the outside.)

Ghost: I recommend cutting eyeholes in a dirty sheet because you're gonna spill on yourself anyhow. Choose the fitted sheet if you want to be a "fancy ghost." (Slutty Ghost starts with substituting the sheet for a pillow case and ends with fishnets and fuck-me boots.)

Darth Vader: Collect the following: black robot suit, Vader mask, light saber. Plan on a long night of open-mouthed heavy breathing. (Slut it up by skipping the robot suit and wearing black lingerie with your cape and Vader mask. Bonus: Instead of telling Luke you're his father, inform him you're his "big daddy.")

Good luck, soldiers. And if see any of you in that "Sexy Polar Bear" costume I've seen on the internet, I'm gonna punch you in the face for wearing a white sweatshirt without pants. You're better than that.