D ear Fantz,

I'm throwing a 30th birthday bash for my domestic partner this June. It's kinda a big deal since because we are gay we'll most likely never have bridal showers, weddings, baby showers etc. Her BFF is pregnant and due Aug. 21. She planned her baby shower for exactly two weeks before my partner's party at the same location with a lot of the same guest list. We sent a save the date months ago. I want to say something to BFF, my partner says no... she is stealing the thunder and my girl's feelings are hurt. What do you think?

--Pissy in Ypsi\

Stolen thunder:

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

It would appear that Knocked Up just broke her water all over your parade. She took your party and put a baby on it. (Like a bird, but human and slimy.) She may as well just nab your caterer, dirty-30 props, confetti, strippers and blow.

I don't know much about baby showers, besides the fact that if there's no booze and corn dogs, I'll throw myself off a six-foot ladder. The point is obviously to pimp the fancied nursery's ride (after guests get their wallets assaulted by Babies 'R' Us).

If she's due mid-August, there's no reason she should have her party before yours. You were the first wo-man with the plan. Same guest list, I'm sure because your partner and her BFF probably have the same friends. But same venue? Come on.

You are perfectly welcome to tell her (be nice -- she's your partner's BFF) it would be much appreciated if she moved her party well after yours takes place. She'll still have time to be barefoot and pregnant for two months -- and meanwhile have you two show up at the exact same party you had two weeks prior. (But with pastels and veggie trays.)

If BFF doesn't budge, then go along with your plans, but blow out your party spectacular by trumping her poopy diaper games with body shots.

Also, I must word slap you right quick: As gay women, you can hold the same showers as straight people. Sure, the eyes of the federal law are still soaking the rainbow flag in tears, but progress is being made. Maybe at the pace of a fat old dachshund, but we can at least see advancement in the depths that fat little wiener's dog bowl.

Let me know if there's no booze at the baby shower and I'll fax you a ladder.

Dear Christy,

I have IBS and this guy I just started dating always takes me to ethnic restaurants for dates. I am immediately running to the bathroom after I eat and it's really embarrassing. How should I handle this?

--Bad tummy

Bowel blues:

Didn't we all learn from Taro Gomi's 1977 classic, "Everyone Poops," that, in fact, everyone does poop?

I know. Girls are supposed to smell like flowers and shit. (Not literal shit. You know what I mean.)

Alas, I see your discontent. He's new. You don't feel comfortable sharing this beautiful information with your man, so just tell him you don't like the cuisine.

If he wants to eat culture, head to the Land of the Food Trucks, where you can dine on a Pepto burger while he gorges on fire-in-the-hole curry. Now you can watch him haul ass to the commode.