Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend's apartment got flooded. He is staying with his best friend, but he wants to stay with me. We've already slept together, but we've only been dating for three months and I don't think I'm ready for that, plus I don't really have room. What should I do?

—Studio apartment

One-holer:

Condolences on your man's pad, but just because you two birds are bumping doesn't = move-in time.

Sure, he can still roll around in your Little Mermaid sheets after you two hug genitals. He can still come over for ramen and a flick nights.

But the moment he moves his hairy ass into your studio apartment, it's nothing but pubes, boogers and farts — adding to your own heady collection of the trio.

Not all roomie situations are disastrous, but cramming two adults into a small living space is like sharing a toilet with an eastern European with colon problems.

You'd like to keep your special date nights of strip poker and crocheting doilies sane. I get it.

The arrangement will start out with the traditional honeymoon stage: wild nights with latex, Chuck E. Cheese outfits, strap-ons and carnies.

After that stage is over, he'll be juggling his balls with his bare bum staining your white couch. Meanwhile, you're clipping your ingrown toenails on the kitchen counter and running to the neighborhood Conoco to poop.

Charming pair, you two.

If you remain living separately, you can keep the mystery alive.

Don't fret, you aren't being a bitch — he has a safe place to stay. Just tell him your apartment is too small and it's too soon on your terms.

If he throws a fit, then start banging his bestie. We're mature like that.

Dear Christy,

 

I like to blow my load all over girls' faces and boobs. It's messy, but at least I won't get them pregnant. Some get mad. What's the deal? That's what dudes do.

 

—Man's man

 

Power cum:

 

You're special.

You also wear boxers for weeks in a row, use socks as jack rags and piss all over the toilet seat. You dainty flower.

First ask the girl if she's cool with your DNA on her rack — some don't mind, so you don't have to be a pretentious cock about it. Some, however, don't want to be power-hosed by a Hazmat team after faux-creating.

Guess what else won't knock her up? You, face down in her forbidden fruit.

After you blast your O, get off your sticky ass and reciprocate the favor.

If you think that's gross, then here's to your karma getting cock slapped until you can only shoot all over your own mug.

Christy Fantz at fantz@coloradodaily.com or follow her at twitter.com/fantzypants.