Mono isn't painful, is it?

I think I'd like to have mono.

From what I remember hearing in middle school, you get mono from kissing (so far, so good), and it makes you sleepy (already am), so then you have to stay in bed for a really long time, like a reverse Sleeping Beauty (sign me up.)

Anyway, like most people, I didn't like being in bed until my parents stopped trying to make me go there. And I guess that's good news: never really pegged myself as rebellious until right now.

For my entire adult life, I've been a huge fan of being in bed. All the best shit in life happens in bed — like sex and sleeping and reading and cake.

Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Plus, now that I'm no longer 12, I have pretty awesome bedclothes. In fact, I have a bit of a problem when it comes to shopping for sheets. And pillows. Also duvet covers of varying thicknesses, materials and colors, dependent upon the season. I haven't yet gone to the trouble of buying specific sets for specific times of the year, like a tasteful turkey-themed setup in rich browns and golds for Thanksgiving, but I will admit my bed's clothes take up the entire bottom of my closet.

Do you find that shocking? Or troubling? Well guess what, Smarty: Science says you spend 80 percent of your life in bed so I figure I might as well look good while I'm there. (Editor's note: This is absolutely not true.)

 


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Once I'm in bed, I'm a pretty happy woman. It's warm, it's soft, there are books, I can daydream — or actually dream, depending on whether or not insomnia has hit. The second I finish flipping all six pillows over to check for spiders, I'm good to go. The weird thing is, I actively put off going to bed every single night. I regularly stay up late, working, watching television, cleaning, painting my nails, planning out how to spend Lotto winnings I will never have — anything but actually going to bed. Only very rarely will I start to fall asleep on the couch and think, "You know what would be cooler than half-listening to 'Walking Dead' with one eye open and no pants on? Falling asleep in bed."

And I might just being saying this because I've been feeling extra exhausted the past couple of weeks, but I'm not sure there's anything cooler than falling asleep in bed. So many things can get between us and our psychologically vital, scripturally mandated (Shomer Shabbos!), biologically imperative rest. It's something to be sought out and protected, and when we succeed, something to be truly thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Hanukkah! Now go make your beds.