Editor's note

Fritz is sick, so Fantz took a turn for this week's "I'm Not There."

 

Since America's most common New Year's resolution is to lose weight, then we should stuff Colorado's resolutions with cheese, deep fry them in oil and dip them in spicy ranch.*

As of Wednesday, recreational marijuana is legal in Colorado. The only thing we're going to lose is motivation.

This means patrons of age can walk into a legal and licenced dispensary, make a once-illegal purchase and torch it up in their front yard.

Age-old stoners are dry humping their couches right now, while new stoners are boosting IMAX sales and closet stoners are crushing dollar boxes of Hot Tamales seven days a week, instead of five.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Let's all hug!

This whole recreational pot thing is huge for Colorado. We made history! So don't muck it up. Don't be a jackass. Let's show this world a thing or two. Let's show... (cue "Tommy Boy" face-planting on a coffee table).

Anyway, here are some DON'Ts to keep in mind (from yours truly) when partaking in the Mile High's high. Just remember that aggression will not stand, man. You may not agree with me, but, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

-Don't get your pet stoned. It's mean and confusing to the fuzz butts. Would you want your cat to rub catnip all over your gums? If you said yes and are currently blowing smoke in your dog's ears, then I'll find you and rub Sriracha in your eyeballs.

-Don't smoke in public. It's illegal. Plus, there's that one Denver dude who has a robot anteater nose who will sniff you out and get you busted. It's like alcohol, people. You can't pound a 40 on the Pearl Street Mall, so don't blaze a fat one out loud and proud.

-Don't smoke in the house, if your roommates don't want you to. As much as people tout "marijuana smoke doesn't stick around," you still have to be respectful to your pals. Step outside, then you can take a catnap in the grass with your bag of grass like a hippie jackass.

-Don't get high at work. You can still get canned. The Denver Post taught us last week that "state law gives employers full authority to impose any drug prohibitions they wish, despite it being legal in Colorado for adults to possess and consume marijuana." That's on or off the job.

-Don't drive while stoned. You'll also get Sriracha eyeballs from me. Also, don't drive an ounce to your pal in Kansas. It's illegal and you'll probably get arrested.

Now go smoke ring in the New Year.

*According to my proficient Googling

 

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/fantzypants