Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

Fritz,

Why is Christy Fantz not writing the column this week?

—Her Loyal Readers

Fantz Fanz,

As a lot of you have read, she got herself knocked up and is — as I write this — in the hospital having said baby. If memory serves, she plans to name the baby Jake Jabs (even though it's a girl). For those of you who'd like to get something for the new family, the Fantz in Your Pantzes are probably registered at the Kentucky Deluxe Outlet. It's been a long, dry nine months.

Fritz,

I've been in labor for almost 60 hours now. What the hell?

—Christy Fantz

Fantzypants,

Sixty hours?! That's normal for "Little House on the Prairie" but these days I thought birthing took 30 minutes and then you're straight back to Pilates class.

How do I put this delicately? Is it possible you're pregnant with twins and one of them is a food baby? Did you eat at Chipotle recently? My doctor recommends those little red pooping pills. Don't get them mixed up with ibuprofen — I once took pooping pills for a hangover and the results were not ideal. If these aren't Burrito Braxton-Hicks, maybe there's a conspiracy behind your insanely long labor.

As your special manfriend mentioned earlier,"Rosemary's Baby" jokes don't go over well in the maternity ward. It's possible the doctors and nurses are stalling for time as they prep a terrific prank involving chicken livers.

The thing to do is to breathe deeply, remain calm, and hang tight. Actually, scratch that: be loose. Although that's the kind of behavior that got you where you are now. All of us here at work are chipping in to get your Special Purpose a barrel of wine and a Get Well Soon card. Good luck, buddy!

(Editor's Note: The labor ended Friday night and Christy, Mr. Fantz, Baby Jake Jabs, and the handle of whiskey are all doing fine.)

Fritz,

I am also knocked up. I know it's normal for pregnant women to have dreams about their kids, but all of mine are about my baby being born hairy. What should I do?

—And the Hendersons

Harry,

Hairy? I guess my first question would be: hairy like a Disney Princess or hairy like a monkey? There's a difference. I'd also like to know if you'd be disappointed if the baby shows up bald. If that's the case, consider a tiny toupee. A merkin might fit nicely and there are so many colors, cuts, and styles nowadays, your little bundle of joy could become quite the fashion plate.

Jeanine Fritz will be filling in while Christy Fantz is out. Email your questions to J9@coloradodaily.com.