Plenty of my favorite things involve powder: powdered sugar, powder donuts (yes, I know that's powdered sugar twice, shuddup), "Powder Finger" by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, and Powdered Toast Man from the old "Ren & Stimpy" cartoons. (His battle cry: "Cling tenaciously to my buttocks, children!")
Yes, children, cling tenaciously to my buttocks because I have a big butt and even bigger news:
Powdered alcohol is legal.
On April 8, after nearly four years of legal wrangling, the Alcohol, Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau gave the greenlight to powdered alcohol. Why is this rad? Because instead of hauling around a handle of vodka to make the infamous Yucca (Death) Rattle for camping trips, I can simply carry around a packet of vodka powder — easy, breezy, beautiful, friendos! (Someone else will carry around the handle of water we'll need later.)
The creator of Palcohol, Mark Phillips, liked riding bikes and having drinks afterwards, but damn, those extra bottles were a bitch to lug around on the trails. He soon became obsessed with powdered alcohol, something that's been in the works since at least the '70s, but never got released for public consumption. He'd found his mission.
But don't worry if you don't like riding bikes. The Palcohol website clearly states, "It's not just for the sportsperson. Palcohol can be transported in your luggage without the fear of bottles breaking. In any situation where weight and breakage is an issue, Palcohol provides the answer. That's why we say, 'Take your Pal wherever you go!'"
That sounds like trouble.
Apparently, Palcohol comes in rum, vodka (getting close to a powdered Long Island ice tea, friends), Cosmopolitan, mojito, lemon drop, and Powderita flavors — the last of which sounds pretty sketchy.
Word on the street: Palcohol packets are also great for cooking. Apparently vodka powder on eggs isn't a sign of alcoholism, but rather a sign of ... I'm not sure, but the makers insist you don't give those eggs to minors.
While the internet's had a field day with Jesus jokes (He turns water into wine but now anybody can turn water into Bloody Marys) before you get too excited, I have more crazy news!
As of April 22, Powdered alcohol is no longer legal.
I know, I know.
In an email to the Associated Press late Monday, Tom Hogue, a rep for the bureau stated the approvals were issued in error, and Palcohol stated later in another email that the rescinding of approvals had to do with the amount of powder in each package.
Palcoholics are working on repackaging and soon reclaiming their approval status, but in the meantime, cling tenaciously to your own buttocks for a bit — I need a whisper of alone time to grieve.
Jeanine Fritz writes for the Colorado Daily every Monday.