Jennifer Lopez is looking for a new assistant, according to Life & Style magazine.

If vindictive poverty with a side of dilapidated dignity makes you hot, sign here.

The "duties" entail: Clean up baby shit, work 12-hour shifts six days a week, be on call 24/7, international travel (calm down, you'll only be holding her coffee and butt pads), have backhands for breakfast, cook when the butler's off and fan Lopez with palm leaves while feeding her.

Or something like that.

More Headaches

Christy Fantz dishes the dirt daily on her Hollywood Headaches blog.

Oh, and be prepared to slave months away without a day off.

"You have to know when J.Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, you're just expected to have food waiting," the magazine reported.

But guess what you win? A whopping $55,000-$65,000 a year.

What a miserly bitch.

Jen, I wouldn't wipe your ass for $55,000.

Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I would. Call me.

Sick, sick Kylie

A picture of singer Kylie Minogue holding a teddy bear has been banned from Facebook. It's too racy.

The teddy bear's rack was totally exposed in some slutty lingerie.

Well, not really, but Facebook explained that they "do not allow photos that contain nudity, drug use or violence."

The problem was Kylie, however, not the poor bear.

She was simulating third base on the teddy by stroking a microphone between his polyester-stuffed legs.

That's just embarrassing. That bear is hung way more than a 10-inch microphone. Kate Hudson told me.

Cruise and Efron's 'date'

Tom Cruise and Zac Efron are totally, like, BFFs.

Efron told Details magazine that he went to Cruise's house for a "motorcycle date."

I wouldn't call it a "date" Zac.

Next thing you know, Vanessa Hudgens will be roasting on a solid-gold skewer at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology barbecue.

Anything to get in those tighty whities, right Tom?

George Michael's nap

George Michael woke up July 4 and decided to do something different.

He smashed his car into a London shop and then passed out at the wheel.

Easy kids, this is only like the sixth time he's been face-deep in a steering wheel. Fine, maybe only second or third. Who's counting?

I have heard, however, that the Land Rover driver's seat offers a far superior siesta than Egyptian cotton luxury sheets atop a pillowtop mattress.

Police suspected he was on drugs because he appeared "spaced out" and was sweating with dilated pupils.

According to Reuters, "cannabis cigarettes" were found.

Hey Reuters, 1785 called -- it wants its jargon back.