'S aturday Night Live" has been entertaining us since your mom was a sprightly young hussy spreading her legs for horny seamen at fleet week.
The sketch show always boasts some glory years interspersed between years of pure crap -- but there's always a couple of cast members who just knock our jock straps off.
Like Kristen Wiig. She pranced into Lorne Michaels' abode donning Dooneese Maharelle's baby arms and Gilly's dry wit. Now she's kicking rocks while leaving us with blue private parts.
Michaels said that the only cast member he's bid goodbye to "so far" is Wiig, meaning more will probably shuffle out the door over the summer. Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis have also been rumored to be leaving.
"I think everyone gets through the season and just the level of fatigue by the end is just overwhelming, and it's a very emotional time," Michaels told TheWarp.com. "I've had a rule since the second season, which is to not make any decisions in June. We'll see in July."
Of course these funny bastards want to move on to bigger and better projects -- film writing, producing, acting or fatal drug overdosing.
And yes, a new cast will usher in time to time and tickle our trachea with laughgasms by pumping out ridiculous sketches that are filled with (mainly) comedic prose.
But then -- then they leave us, all fancy and off to I'mACelebrityVille, without even dropping off a pack of Marlboro Lights.
Fine. We'll just go get our own damn pack of cigs and cry in dreams of getting into the biz's pants.
Or we'll just keep writing for print.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Big boy Bieber
Justin Bieber has a big penis. (That's what it says in the men's room.)
Oh, halt the authorities. I can talk about his long john -- he's of age.
Plus, I'm just telling you what I heard. Not that I care.
Apparently the pop brat's penis is named "Jerry" after Jerry Sokoloski, the "tallest man in Canada" at 7-foot-5, 450 pounds, Bieb told The Sunday Times.
"The fans named my penis 'Jerry', which is funny."
That's one ripping-fine yarn, boy.
I wonder if he's "still" a virgin. Or if he and Selena Gomez split because he split her like a pair of Jessica Simpson's maternity pants.
Justin needs to stop flashing his Jerry all around the urban jungle or John Mayer is going to have to slap the brat out of him.
Biebs, we all know that Mayer's wood is the king of colossal Kongs in the 'Wood. (Heh, look at that.)
Now go play with that pole like a post-pubescent prettyboy.
Yes. We all know.
Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin (singer of Coldplay) are BFFs with Beyonce and Jay-Z.
It's a valid point that is quite often boasted by Gwyn and Chris. (Them white girls need to boast their King of Rap ties so they don't get kicked in the panties.)
Anyway, the London pair's kids, Apple, 8, and Moses, 6, joined momma Paltrow for Jay-Z and Kanye West's "Watch the Throne" tour Saturday in London.
"Yup. Uncle Jay at the O2," Gwyneth tweeted along with a pic of the kids throwing up Jay-Z's diamond hand sign.
I think they're called gangsters. Or maybe Jangsters? (Kids these days.)
I wonder if mom serenades the kiddies to "Can I Get A..." at night.
"But mommy, he says 'can I get a fuck you,' not 'can I get a what what,'" Apple says (in my mind).
"Shut up and go study my anglophile blog," Gwyneth says (in my mind).