christy fantz
Christy Fantz

W hile I was lying sick in bed the past two days, I had two impeding thoughts of doom dancing around my head like shitfaced sheep on NyQuil.

I'll share:

No. 1, how the hell are we going to pay our $900 electric bill? Should I start a Kickstarter campaign and ask for donations? Or should I email Oprah?

I've emailed Oprah before, to no avail. Polite insult, Ms. Winfrey.

Why $900, you ask (with a gasp)? Well, I forget to pay bills, so it's over a couple of months. A couple of months you ask? Old house + dude sucking off our meter in carriage house = egads.

No. 2, Oh em God. Is Jennifer Aniston's new gigantic (estimated 8-carat) engagement ring from Justin Theroux better or worse than Angelina Jolie's 16-carat bauble from Brad Pitt?

Who knows? It's all one gigantic quandary.

Then today, I read this headline: "$1M pair of watches tops Neiman Marcus gift list."

Screw this. I'm Kickstarting. I'll give you a creative campaign: Can't a rich asshole dig a bitch out of debt?

Since there is so much drama involving Jen A.'s engagement ring, I can't help but wonder what would Syria do (if it weren't in the middle of a civil war)?

Postscript: A Hulk Hogan sex tape was just leaked.

Reality woes

Who says reality TV ruins everything?

Listen while I tell you a ripping-fine yarn about this here gem.

Once upon a "Wife Swap" in 2008, a 15-year-old broad named Alicia Guastaferro felt "sorry for people that are not gorgeous people."

Whilst inside her spray-tanned candyland, mommy and daddy did her homework and showered her with year-round gifts.

Then the poor girl (allegedly) developed panic attacks and an eating disorder, then sued the network in 2010 for post-traumatic stress after the episode aired.

You know. Because everyone at high school ridiculed her for being a spoiled little shit.

Then she got a job at a strip club. Then her parents went to jail for alleged money laundering. Then she got arrested in New York for alleged prostitution, while passed out in a car with attorney James Doyle, who allegedly paid her $500 to $700 twice a month for sex, according to court documents.

All the splendor of life at a sprightly 21. Neat.

Can someone tell her that "gorgeous people" don't strip for dolla bills?

What would "Wife Swap" do?

What would Oprah do?

WHAT WOULD HULK HOGAN'S SEX TAPE DO?

The gang helps Frank with divorce*

Aw. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are splitting.

Those cute little shits. I've always wanted a back pocket ripe with DeVito and GusGus from "Cinderella." Even at that, there would still be room for Perlman. I've got an ass that won't quit.

Perlman, of "Cheers" fame, and DeVito, of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" genius, are done after 30 years together.

Thirty years! Learn something from those munchkins, homies. Like that after 30 years, marriage still blows.

Have I mentioned Hulk Hogan has a sex tape?

Gross.

*"It's Always Sunny" rhetoric. Good talk.